For my birthday, Etienne gave me the most amazing gift- a power talisman with great personal significance. It is a yin/yang. I've been wearing it for a little over a week... next to my skin. Carrying this new OOP (object of power) has allowed me to remove my other talismans and I feel lighter for not carrying their weight. I've stopped wearing "THE CROSS" that was my symbol of office (so to speak) from the original covenish.
In his giving, I see a new connection. A new symbol of office, so to speak- a committment. Similar to the gift of the cross actually, but for different reasons. This OOP carries its own healing gifts and liberates, instead of binding. There is no weight of responsiblity. As always with Etienne, he gives blessings and gifts, to assist the individual, and for their growth, without placing conditions on what that process will look like. When he was teaching me, before we became involved, the process was of removing filters, and increasing awareness. When he suggested my journey here, it was not for his own benefit- it was a suggestion, fueled by love and given to empower.
I think that is the biggest difference between my previous experience as a teacher- with the original covenish, and this current experience. At first I didn't know what to do with the freedom I had been given (if curious, go read strength.... it will really give you a sense of the transition between teaching styles). I expected Etienne to want something from me- expected to have to conform to his vision- and instead found that I was able to explore my own, and that I wasn't expected to "be" anything but myself.
It's taken me a lot of work and self-realization, and increased awareness and letting go,to be able to accept this. I think that anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship could relate. I kept waiting for the chains- and even tried to create some in order to fit back in the familiar cage I was used to. And every time I pulled Etienne in to that space, he would walk back out... and point out the incredible world outside the box.
Not only do I sense the incredibly positive energy of this wonderful gift I now wear, and observe the wonderful energy that radiates from this, but just thinking about wearing the other again, well... I sense the negtivity and fear attached to it- and feel nauseous. I don't think I will ever be able to put on that cross again.
So what am I to do with it? I feel a little like Gandalf in LOTR. I can not just throw it away. I have come to understand a little about objects given from that particular source- and they have a tendancy to release nasty vibes when you try to get rid of them. I am also not willing now to return the gift to it's maker-er, giver, for personal reasons. I fear the result of doing so. I don't know enough about it's construction to destroy it- even though I sense the power concealed within it and how it connects me to someone I wish to disconnect from. So I feel stuck between needs. Something of a double bind.... on the one hand- I feel the need to throw the thing into the deepest place in the ocean, so it won't bother anyone anymore. On the other, I feel compelled to give it to someone I trust (who would understand the significance of the object) and preserve it for them.
The funny thing is that I don't know if my feelings about keeping the cross are related to "mental programming" or if the cross itself is resisting that movement.
Objects and talismans are pretty funny things. For those of you familiar with the meaning of objects, well... I'm sure you can understand. For those of you who aren't, well.... the crash course in OOP will be available soon through Amazon.com (joking :).
I went to see Spiderman 2 this week. And I loved it. Great special effects, wondeful bad guy (Doc Oc rocks!) storyline and characters all well crafted. For the first time in a long time I was able to immerse myself in the movie instead of analyzing the film.
Could have something to do with the fact that i relate to Spidey so well. He starts losing his powers, questions the point and quits being Spiderman. And isn't that the process I just went through?
I've been wandering in a state of unfinished Gestault- of Bardo... I was frustrated and angry and stressed. There is a student in Ontario who I believe has great potential,and I would choose to teach her above any other. I miss her- I also can't seem to find a student here that compares. I know it's unfair to compare students... I didn't mean to imply that any here are less or not as full of incredible energy and potential.... just that her and I have an established connection, and she has complete faith in the process. She is honest, down to earth and connected (for the most part) to reality. She is open to new ideas, doesn't think her gifts raise her above others, and acknowledges her own responsiblity for growth. She is warm, caring and non-judgemental. She also has an intuitive grasp of energy work, interpsychic dynamics and the aura.
She has taught me so very much... (once you become a student, you are also a teacher), and teaching and learning from her is a natural process. Laguz (flow) happens in the contact between us. She's not perfect, she has blocks, gets stuck... but she keeps going. I wonder these days if my desire to teach, stems not from the desire to teach masses, but to teach just one special student. Or, perhaps there is a fear about what will happen if I take on new students, because of the past experience with my covenish... and my anger at the abuses of power and manipulation that I unknowingly allowed within that circle.
There I think is the root of it. I don't want to take on anyone of the "black magic" persuasion. Nothing personal for those of you who lean in that direction. I'm just a "white magic" soul who desires growth, and wants to allow that process without moulding anyone to be something. I get really angry these days when I think about the covenish and that experience. There I was, trying to teach, and grow, and in that time, the person I entrusted with the care of my friends.... abused that trust, and because I allowed that connection between them, I feel responsible for what happened to them. Even though I know we all make choices, and are responsible for our lives and actions... even then, I still have not been able to let go of the pain that caused me when I found out what was really going on. I was a blind as the rest, and as programmed.
Where is the line between personal responsiblity and programming? Can someone who is being manipulated without their knowledge be held responsible for their actions? If a person's aura is being tweaked, thoughts amplified, or altered, ideas sublimilally added to the unconscious. Triggers implanted or memories erased/changed. When caught in the web of false reality, how can anyone other than the creater of that false reality be blamed. Does an audience see the puppet as in control of the strings that bind him, or the dog on a leash responsible for the direction he moves in, if when he is told to heel, he walks?
I think awareness must exist for a person to truly be responsible. If you aren't aware of what is happening, you can't change. If you are aware, then you can choose.
Grrr.... for those of you who read this and wonder at my anger- perhaps in time I can vent it here.... or find a constructive direction to point it in.
On a larger scale, the lesson I want to share, or the thought, if you will is this:
We are all connected to each other. Energetically we are one. The pathways the connect us to each other could be seen as a web. There are many other ways of expressing this, I only use the web as one example. In that giant web, there is a giving and recieving. And within the large web, there are smaller cycles and circles and webs of connection. Because energy flows to and from, we are affected by each other's energy.
When one person's energy flows outward in a way that seeks to subert or harm another, we are all affected. That energy flows from the source of the "abuser" of energy, to you, and through you to me, from me to my partner, from him to everyone he is connected to. The entire balance is unhinged, and on both a small scale, and a large one, (within both individual relationships, and global ones) that negative source affects the balance of harmony and growth.
I want to live in harmony and peace, and the very idea of someone's negative energy flowing through me to affect others makes me angry,and determined to affect change. Even though I may not intend to harm, that imbalance exists both in myself and in you.
Can you see the web? Can you sense the source of disturbances, or see the energetic connections that flow between yourself and others? Do you want to know that your actions and expressed energy affect the whole being of earth on some level?
You and I are simply one fragment of an infinate being. We are also the sum of that being, each of us. What i mean, is that sitting in your chair, as you read these words, your body, soul, energy, are the universe that exists right now. The pain you experience, be it dis-ease, or emotional upheval, or broken relationships, or lack of awareness, is an expression of what is happening on a universal level. The lessons you are learning reflect all of us.
I don't expect anyone here to try to change the world. It is too infinate, too big for any one person to change. But change the world within yourself. If you are in pain, seek the source, and choose to embrace that part of yourself. Choose to release that dis-ease.
I truly believe that by choosing to grow and become more harmonious within, one chooses to create a more harmonious universe. See the factions warring within the self. See the unused parts, the parts that are being manipulated or abused by yourself. Talk less of the negativity without, and idenfity how that is reflected in you.
That's my current lesson.
Last thoughts are simple. A cat has wandered into my life. Having her here, is an incredible experience. It has been so long since I have allowed a connection between that feminine principle of catma, and myself. And my baby bob, the dogma in my life, is so incredibly patent and curious and loving with this new part of my life. They are slowly adjusting to each other and building a relationship. :D
There are many experiences I am opening myself up to... and I am choosing to be myself, and express the wholeness of who I am. It's an ongoing process... can be scarey, but also very rewarding.
I love you
and I choose
to give you the gift that will help you
grow and develop and gain awarness
I am healing myself, so that you too
will also be healed.
With light
from the center of the web
Anime
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