What I have been through deserves a voice- I deserve to know that my own experiences have as much value as anyone else's. That I am as important as the world. That I am the world.
I can not justify or explain something to you that is only relevant to me.
I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok and framing everything in a positive sense, when that is not how I feel. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that negative energy/feelings/experiences held in the body make one ill... I'm not going to lie about being where I'm at.
Each person's process is different, and I am truly not prepared to defend what's happening and where I'm at, (even as I try to) because on some level I don't believe I should have to. After all, it's my life, my time here, my space and time and truth. Where did I sign away my own right to choose unhappiness and happiness, to express the truth of who I am in all ways?
If I were a reflection of the world as it is now... how would you treat me? The same? I'm not attacking you- I seriously would like to know. Because as I am emerging from my darkness and when I begin to attract light, I want to be surrounded by those who treat me the way they would treat the world they live in. And I'm not going to be willing to accept less from any of you than love, both for yourself, the world and for me. I will still love you no matter what, but when it is time to change all things, I will want to know how you would approach that change. How you approach me is going to teach me a lot in the next little while. And if you don't, because you can't handle where I'm at, what I say or who I am truly and honestly, then to hell with you. :) But I will still love you even then.
But right now I have to learn how to love myself.
Love always
In all ways
Anime
19.4.04
The Labyrinth
My path is changing. I am changing. It may be that I am not to teach, or it may be that in order to truly teach, I must use this time now... and free myself from that which I have become boxed in by.
I feel boxed in a giant labyrinth of my own mind, my own brain and I may have to find the Minotaur and kiss him before I can open the gateway out. I am not sure about being inspirational, or smart right now, if I was, would I be where I am now? Would I be struggling so hard in every way- even physically?
I know and don't know all things, and I am tired of being split in a billion little pieces, each fighting for a piece of rental property. I'm tired of the destruction and the mayhem and the pain, and I have to accept that these things exist in myself, so that I can seek a resolution. This time it's wholeness, integration, acceptance and all things, or it is nothing. I've had it with half measures.
I feel boxed in a giant labyrinth of my own mind, my own brain and I may have to find the Minotaur and kiss him before I can open the gateway out. I am not sure about being inspirational, or smart right now, if I was, would I be where I am now? Would I be struggling so hard in every way- even physically?
I know and don't know all things, and I am tired of being split in a billion little pieces, each fighting for a piece of rental property. I'm tired of the destruction and the mayhem and the pain, and I have to accept that these things exist in myself, so that I can seek a resolution. This time it's wholeness, integration, acceptance and all things, or it is nothing. I've had it with half measures.
On being selfish
I am not in a hurry to move mountains... I am going to do what I can now, in the few years remaining to us before all things become chaotic. If you want the truth, all healing done now is really just preparation for those of us who will have to protect and heal others in the future. And it must be done now.
The world is not waiting for me.... and even if it were to- let it- I have waited for the world for many lifetimes.
In this lifetime I have felt that I've been waiting for the world since I arrived here. In the past it has rejected me, attacked me, enraged me with its violence and the incredible pure selfishness it has displayed. And I have responded in kind.
Well, emotionally I'm learning to grow up. And if that means I have to wallow in being childish, and letting that inner kid grow up then SO BE IT. The world will continue until it ends... and even after it ends there will still be life. Energy can never be destroyed; it can only be moved, separated or transformed.
So if I seem selfish myself now, I accept that there is going to be a time when I give myself to the world, and I will have to do so without reservation. Maybe in order to do so I need to understand this violence, this pain and suffering and selfishness within myself so that I can really help, and truly understand my enemy- and best friend.
And maybe in being selfish I will turn my back on the world and never understand or accept what I could/should do while I am here... and if so, then when I am forced to see the truth of that and it dawns on me how much time I've wasted, I will truly understand why we have brought ourselves this far in destruction, why we hurt each other so much, why we do not change and why we continue to pursue these things, judgments and all...
Instead of love.
And maybe by this choice to wait, maybe in doing what you accuse me of, I will have the greatest epiphany of all, and learn how I can best serve and forgive myself for not being accepted by the world, for not being able to heal everything "right now", for being so full of ability and "talent" and desire and passion to change things, and never having done so, for not knowing how.
For now I feel the world does not need me in any way shape or form, I feel cast out, in the same way that I have rejected and ignored myself. And if that is a justification and sounds self righteous... tough, it's the only answer I have.
The world is not waiting for me.... and even if it were to- let it- I have waited for the world for many lifetimes.
In this lifetime I have felt that I've been waiting for the world since I arrived here. In the past it has rejected me, attacked me, enraged me with its violence and the incredible pure selfishness it has displayed. And I have responded in kind.
Well, emotionally I'm learning to grow up. And if that means I have to wallow in being childish, and letting that inner kid grow up then SO BE IT. The world will continue until it ends... and even after it ends there will still be life. Energy can never be destroyed; it can only be moved, separated or transformed.
So if I seem selfish myself now, I accept that there is going to be a time when I give myself to the world, and I will have to do so without reservation. Maybe in order to do so I need to understand this violence, this pain and suffering and selfishness within myself so that I can really help, and truly understand my enemy- and best friend.
And maybe in being selfish I will turn my back on the world and never understand or accept what I could/should do while I am here... and if so, then when I am forced to see the truth of that and it dawns on me how much time I've wasted, I will truly understand why we have brought ourselves this far in destruction, why we hurt each other so much, why we do not change and why we continue to pursue these things, judgments and all...
Instead of love.
And maybe by this choice to wait, maybe in doing what you accuse me of, I will have the greatest epiphany of all, and learn how I can best serve and forgive myself for not being accepted by the world, for not being able to heal everything "right now", for being so full of ability and "talent" and desire and passion to change things, and never having done so, for not knowing how.
For now I feel the world does not need me in any way shape or form, I feel cast out, in the same way that I have rejected and ignored myself. And if that is a justification and sounds self righteous... tough, it's the only answer I have.
Working limitations, patterns
Yes I'm depressed, yes I'm feeling pretty stuck and frustrated and tired of doing the same damn thing all the time... wouldn't you be? I want to be free from the programs that are currently running amok in my system, and reset the defaults. I don't exactly know how to do that- so yes, I am feeling helpless...
After seeing the possibility of being everything that I can be, not once, not twice, but three times... in the past year, I feel that much more limited by my current experience... and at the same time, in a way I'm glad that I didn't take on those things that could have been for me... for I recognize how much I need to heal and grow before I can accept them.
Maybe on one level you are right- maybe I should just stop trying to process again, and just go find another job in a series of them and know that that is all I can do right now and that I'm not capable of more, and go through the same cycle I just went through (which was meaningless and pointless as far as getting ahead, and sort of educational as far as patterns).
Does it matter what I do for a living... shouldn't I be able to do just about anything and be happy- not now, not in my current space.
Do you understand that I have to find a different way or the same experiences will manifest until they kill me? What was the point of being in the same place I was a year, two years, 5 years ago? What did I gain from that manifestation? NO. The pattern must be stopped now... it must be released and then I can move forward with my life. The only way I can think of to do that is to find the source of the belief and accept it so that I can stop being blinded by it as I try to push it away from me.
After seeing the possibility of being everything that I can be, not once, not twice, but three times... in the past year, I feel that much more limited by my current experience... and at the same time, in a way I'm glad that I didn't take on those things that could have been for me... for I recognize how much I need to heal and grow before I can accept them.
Maybe on one level you are right- maybe I should just stop trying to process again, and just go find another job in a series of them and know that that is all I can do right now and that I'm not capable of more, and go through the same cycle I just went through (which was meaningless and pointless as far as getting ahead, and sort of educational as far as patterns).
Does it matter what I do for a living... shouldn't I be able to do just about anything and be happy- not now, not in my current space.
Do you understand that I have to find a different way or the same experiences will manifest until they kill me? What was the point of being in the same place I was a year, two years, 5 years ago? What did I gain from that manifestation? NO. The pattern must be stopped now... it must be released and then I can move forward with my life. The only way I can think of to do that is to find the source of the belief and accept it so that I can stop being blinded by it as I try to push it away from me.
When the world is spinning, sit down
What is wrong with sitting still when the world is spinning around you? What is wrong with stopping to understand what is happening to you instead of simply experiencing? What is wrong with giving up what you've held clutched to your chest for so long, in order to embrace the world? What is the point of fighting something that is a part of myself? These feelings of helplessness, of fear and of emptiness are valid and an expression of something deeper that must be addressed.
Admitting my own loss, my own inability to move forward physically is a huge thing for me. I have believed for many years that it is not safe to express pain/anger/frustration, and I have protected myself from being vulnerable to others. In the past two years, that choice has led me nowhere but to numerous dead ends. Because I have been afraid of judgment, of having that pain used against me, of experiencing rejection for being "less" or "having problems" or "being too emotional".
In order to be true to myself, I must accept what has happened and find a way to let go and forgive- because what I want to do is run in a billion directions and fight and work hard and forget what I feel now. I cannot run from this, I cannot fight this; I can only release and allow myself to heal in that process.
If I do not do this now, when I am safe, when I am capable of using all of the schooling and resources given to me, then it will resurface- and the patterns will continue, and I will have to eventually give in to the process of transformation, perhaps in a place that is not safe, not ok, where I am really needed and when other people's selves are at stake. We are all different, we all have different ways of coping and healing and being. Your way and my way are very different. I trust and give my self and soul time, believe truly that there is a way. And I'm going to find it-
Admitting my own loss, my own inability to move forward physically is a huge thing for me. I have believed for many years that it is not safe to express pain/anger/frustration, and I have protected myself from being vulnerable to others. In the past two years, that choice has led me nowhere but to numerous dead ends. Because I have been afraid of judgment, of having that pain used against me, of experiencing rejection for being "less" or "having problems" or "being too emotional".
In order to be true to myself, I must accept what has happened and find a way to let go and forgive- because what I want to do is run in a billion directions and fight and work hard and forget what I feel now. I cannot run from this, I cannot fight this; I can only release and allow myself to heal in that process.
If I do not do this now, when I am safe, when I am capable of using all of the schooling and resources given to me, then it will resurface- and the patterns will continue, and I will have to eventually give in to the process of transformation, perhaps in a place that is not safe, not ok, where I am really needed and when other people's selves are at stake. We are all different, we all have different ways of coping and healing and being. Your way and my way are very different. I trust and give my self and soul time, believe truly that there is a way. And I'm going to find it-
Being Helpless
I have no remembrance of battle, except in my bones... and I am not prepared to fight for life- I am prepared to accept that which comes and love my life and myself as I can... I do not believe that fighting is going to bring peace nor heal the sick (including myself of course). I have gained nothing for myself in this life by being aggressive, by pushing forward...
Everything that I have ever been blessed with has been through the power of love and love alone. When I am open and clear and ready for the universe to give to me what I need, then it flows.
If it appears to you that I'm being "helpless" then accept this, the only way that I can move forward is by going within and healing myself there- and for a long long time I have run from pain, I have hidden from the truths of my past and I have written and taught at times without truly living the words- in some ways you could say that I am doing more work now than I know how to handle simply by being here, being receptive and trying not to shield myself from what is out there, and what is within.
Everything that I have ever been blessed with has been through the power of love and love alone. When I am open and clear and ready for the universe to give to me what I need, then it flows.
If it appears to you that I'm being "helpless" then accept this, the only way that I can move forward is by going within and healing myself there- and for a long long time I have run from pain, I have hidden from the truths of my past and I have written and taught at times without truly living the words- in some ways you could say that I am doing more work now than I know how to handle simply by being here, being receptive and trying not to shield myself from what is out there, and what is within.
The Veil of Depression
What is it that I know I am to do? That is the question I cannot answer, and I desperately want to know that. do you think if I actually knew exactly what I should do I would not be doing it now? You have no idea how much pain I am feeling related to this, and how much it hurts me not to be using all of that somewhere potential. It has driven me nearly mad with grief, and it has paralyzed me that I cannot see, where I once saw so clearly. If you think for one second that I'm content to exist as I do, within the limitations I have imposed on myself by my own choices, then I need you to rethink that.
What I am living is a shell of what I could be doing in this life... and I know it.
I feel it every morning when I wake up, I sense it in the air, through the trees and the people I see around me... I am so aware of it that I can't see past the pain of this knowledge to the path or the forest. And it feels like nothing that I am, none of who I am actually matters at all. It feels like I want the impossible- that I don't deserve happiness, because I have not proved my own worth. For I know I am capable of such things... and the only standard I can measure myself against is myself-
I have so many questions about who I am and what is happening to me, and why it matters. I feel lost without my faith in purpose and knowledge of what direction to travel in. I have given up some things that I should not have, and I have taken on others that were not ever meant for me. I don't want your judgment- nor your pity... at the same time, I also accept that because I started this by expressing how I feel, then I have given you the right to judge or react to my feelings as you see fit.
What I am trying to find right now is who I am- and I don't understand what makes me unique or special or anything of significance. The great "unshakable" faith that I had in myself when I arrived here, the wonder of the world and the feelings of love and non-judgment... the childlike wonder of the world are something I want to recover.
And then for a brief moment the veil will lift, and I will see the beauty and wonder and joy and truth and beauty and orgasmic pleasure of life.... as it is, without it needing to change or "be anything".
What I am living is a shell of what I could be doing in this life... and I know it.
I feel it every morning when I wake up, I sense it in the air, through the trees and the people I see around me... I am so aware of it that I can't see past the pain of this knowledge to the path or the forest. And it feels like nothing that I am, none of who I am actually matters at all. It feels like I want the impossible- that I don't deserve happiness, because I have not proved my own worth. For I know I am capable of such things... and the only standard I can measure myself against is myself-
I have so many questions about who I am and what is happening to me, and why it matters. I feel lost without my faith in purpose and knowledge of what direction to travel in. I have given up some things that I should not have, and I have taken on others that were not ever meant for me. I don't want your judgment- nor your pity... at the same time, I also accept that because I started this by expressing how I feel, then I have given you the right to judge or react to my feelings as you see fit.
What I am trying to find right now is who I am- and I don't understand what makes me unique or special or anything of significance. The great "unshakable" faith that I had in myself when I arrived here, the wonder of the world and the feelings of love and non-judgment... the childlike wonder of the world are something I want to recover.
And then for a brief moment the veil will lift, and I will see the beauty and wonder and joy and truth and beauty and orgasmic pleasure of life.... as it is, without it needing to change or "be anything".
Life Is A Transformation
If I don't believe that I am transforming now- and always then I have no place to move forward to.... That is my belief- and until that changes I'm going to stand within it until it no longer serves me.
If you think I'm stagnant or trapped... that's your choice to do so- I believe I get super depressed for several reasons-
1. I am not acting in ways that are aligned with who I can be... so it all seems pointless.
2. I have never acknowledged my own past pain and experiences and that process has overwhelmed me- because I've stopped running and it's catching up.
3. If I am going to live this life as only I can, if I am truly as great as you suggest, then why don't I see that? Why do I consistently make choices that hurt me, and choose paths that cause me to stumble and fall... or worse, begin my journey and then sabotage myself when it begins to become wonderful? I can say the words; by in my heart I do not feel them.
If I cannot find the answers to these things... then I will continue to move, without growing. And I'm tired of "making do" "accepting less", running, hiding from internal pain and lying about it. This is nothing new, just nothing I have chosen to disclose prior to school. As a student today reminded me, I am in this place at CTI and part of what I have chosen in that path is to reopen the past, release pain, and open the closets so my skeletons can be let out.... in so doing, freeing room for flowers in every hallway, bright lights and beautiful paintings on the walls. If I'm lucky when this is finished I won't need storage at all. :)
If you think I'm stagnant or trapped... that's your choice to do so- I believe I get super depressed for several reasons-
1. I am not acting in ways that are aligned with who I can be... so it all seems pointless.
2. I have never acknowledged my own past pain and experiences and that process has overwhelmed me- because I've stopped running and it's catching up.
3. If I am going to live this life as only I can, if I am truly as great as you suggest, then why don't I see that? Why do I consistently make choices that hurt me, and choose paths that cause me to stumble and fall... or worse, begin my journey and then sabotage myself when it begins to become wonderful? I can say the words; by in my heart I do not feel them.
If I cannot find the answers to these things... then I will continue to move, without growing. And I'm tired of "making do" "accepting less", running, hiding from internal pain and lying about it. This is nothing new, just nothing I have chosen to disclose prior to school. As a student today reminded me, I am in this place at CTI and part of what I have chosen in that path is to reopen the past, release pain, and open the closets so my skeletons can be let out.... in so doing, freeing room for flowers in every hallway, bright lights and beautiful paintings on the walls. If I'm lucky when this is finished I won't need storage at all. :)
Thoughts on Pain
Confrontation, challenging all is good... just know that how I approach this is very different from you- and since I am working with the idea of "physician heal thyself", and I don't want to put someone's back up or make them feel defensive (which is how I feel right now btw... because now I feel like I have to apologize or explain something, instead of just telling you how I feel and am)
Emotional pain is as much an illness as any other- in some ways more difficult to treat because it is unseen. And like cancer, it is invasive... and intrudes upon all things if allowed to spread. When it's happiness and love, good... but when there is pain or anger or negativity... it becomes physical. I look at this time as my own choice to heal the body by healing the soul.
Certain things must be released and doing so my overwhelm/depress/cause great pain in the process of accepting and letting go. There is nothing wrong with pain. Pain is your system default when something is wrong with the self. Pain is a normal part of the learning experience, and will be until you choose it not to be- and it no longer has anything to teach you. Pain held in the self without expression leads to sickness. When you first release pain, it may seem to be too much to function, so sometimes it's better to release in small increments- when possible- so that you can still function.
Emotional pain is as much an illness as any other- in some ways more difficult to treat because it is unseen. And like cancer, it is invasive... and intrudes upon all things if allowed to spread. When it's happiness and love, good... but when there is pain or anger or negativity... it becomes physical. I look at this time as my own choice to heal the body by healing the soul.
Certain things must be released and doing so my overwhelm/depress/cause great pain in the process of accepting and letting go. There is nothing wrong with pain. Pain is your system default when something is wrong with the self. Pain is a normal part of the learning experience, and will be until you choose it not to be- and it no longer has anything to teach you. Pain held in the self without expression leads to sickness. When you first release pain, it may seem to be too much to function, so sometimes it's better to release in small increments- when possible- so that you can still function.
Thoughts on Pain
Confrontation, challenging all is good... just know that how I approach this is very different from you- and since I am working with the idea of "physician heal thyself", and I don't want to put someone's back up or make them feel defensive (which is how I feel right now btw... because now I feel like I have to apologize or explain something, instead of just telling you how I feel and am)
Emotional pain is as much an illness as any other- in some ways more difficult to treat because it is unseen. And like cancer, it is invasive... and intrudes upon all things if allowed to spread. When it's happiness and love, good... but when there is pain or anger or negativity... it becomes physical. I look at this time as my own choice to heal the body by healing the soul.
Certain things must be released and doing so my overwhelm/depress/cause great pain in the process of accepting and letting go. There is nothing wrong with pain. Pain is your system default when something is wrong with the self. Pain is a normal part of the learning experience, and will be until you choose it not to be- and it no longer has anything to teach you. Pain held in the self without expression leads to sickness. When you first release pain, it may seem to be too much to function, so sometimes it's better to release in small increments- when possible- so that you can still function.
Emotional pain is as much an illness as any other- in some ways more difficult to treat because it is unseen. And like cancer, it is invasive... and intrudes upon all things if allowed to spread. When it's happiness and love, good... but when there is pain or anger or negativity... it becomes physical. I look at this time as my own choice to heal the body by healing the soul.
Certain things must be released and doing so my overwhelm/depress/cause great pain in the process of accepting and letting go. There is nothing wrong with pain. Pain is your system default when something is wrong with the self. Pain is a normal part of the learning experience, and will be until you choose it not to be- and it no longer has anything to teach you. Pain held in the self without expression leads to sickness. When you first release pain, it may seem to be too much to function, so sometimes it's better to release in small increments- when possible- so that you can still function.
Process
Rule one of counselling: it will probably get worse before it gets better.
Amanda's note about this rule:
Don't blame the victim, don't judge the emotionally ill... just hear and be there.
Non judgment, unconditional positive regard, acceptance of current stage of growth- or simply of person who is telling you about their pain, patience all are important. But then again, who am I to tell you anything about being with people- those of you who have always been the ones to find others, to bring them home, to fight for their rights and their power... you have always brought great light into the universe, and done so using any means necessary.
I feel a lot of judgment these days, and it seems to be directed often at those who are not emotionally well. A judgment placed on those who have less because it somehow is their fault. Despite all of my own beliefs about manifestation and the like, for that reason alone, I sometimes wish that I could still be a Christian and believe in the power of God as a father- because those who believe in creating the world in their image (what you think creates what you experience) tend to view those who struggle as somehow "wrong", and then they use that as an excuse to judge instead of heal.
And maybe I'm just reacting this way, because my whole life I've heard the same thing from people I cared about, that I loved... as soon as I began to struggle they made me feel that there was something wrong with me, instead of supporting and loving me and accepting me for who I am, good bad and ugly. (Then again, a large portion of this painful experience came directly from those who were Christian and thought they were helping me) They cut me off, tried to change me, forced labels on me and pills down my throat, when all I really needed was love. Of course this is exactly why I feel that I can't express my own feelings often (thus the accumulation). In return I have cut off, tried to change, forced labels on and judged others who I thought needed my "help". I have taken power away from them by giving advice, trying to push them in this direction or that, stopped talking instead of sharing my own pain and lessons learned from those experiences.
It would be entirely safe for me to say that in the past, I have become silenced by fear of judgment, and in not being able to share all things of me, including those which are not perfect and beautiful and full of joy and love, I have also not shared the lessons that I have learned from those things. I believe that my students and true companions in this lifetime have been the only ones I have shared those intensely private things with- and lately, it seems I say less and less, and fear more and more to speak.
Amanda's note about this rule:
Don't blame the victim, don't judge the emotionally ill... just hear and be there.
Non judgment, unconditional positive regard, acceptance of current stage of growth- or simply of person who is telling you about their pain, patience all are important. But then again, who am I to tell you anything about being with people- those of you who have always been the ones to find others, to bring them home, to fight for their rights and their power... you have always brought great light into the universe, and done so using any means necessary.
I feel a lot of judgment these days, and it seems to be directed often at those who are not emotionally well. A judgment placed on those who have less because it somehow is their fault. Despite all of my own beliefs about manifestation and the like, for that reason alone, I sometimes wish that I could still be a Christian and believe in the power of God as a father- because those who believe in creating the world in their image (what you think creates what you experience) tend to view those who struggle as somehow "wrong", and then they use that as an excuse to judge instead of heal.
And maybe I'm just reacting this way, because my whole life I've heard the same thing from people I cared about, that I loved... as soon as I began to struggle they made me feel that there was something wrong with me, instead of supporting and loving me and accepting me for who I am, good bad and ugly. (Then again, a large portion of this painful experience came directly from those who were Christian and thought they were helping me) They cut me off, tried to change me, forced labels on me and pills down my throat, when all I really needed was love. Of course this is exactly why I feel that I can't express my own feelings often (thus the accumulation). In return I have cut off, tried to change, forced labels on and judged others who I thought needed my "help". I have taken power away from them by giving advice, trying to push them in this direction or that, stopped talking instead of sharing my own pain and lessons learned from those experiences.
It would be entirely safe for me to say that in the past, I have become silenced by fear of judgment, and in not being able to share all things of me, including those which are not perfect and beautiful and full of joy and love, I have also not shared the lessons that I have learned from those things. I believe that my students and true companions in this lifetime have been the only ones I have shared those intensely private things with- and lately, it seems I say less and less, and fear more and more to speak.
Free Love-02/07/04
I'll eventually get around to posting a blog
section for reiki with all kinds of instructions.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Personal Daily Horoscope for Mandy
Yesterday's Horoscope | Today's Horoscope | Tomorrow's Horoscope
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Cancer(June 21 - July 22)
It has been said that possession is nine-tenths of the law, but this does not apply to love. Now that there is the potential for experiencing a different kind of love in your life, you might be trying to understand how to work with it. Perhaps it's not what you were expecting, but then again, it hardly ever is. Don't try to possess what you love. It doesn't work. Instead, bless it and nurture it and love it as it flies freely through your life. The reward of love comes from loving.
And on that note, today I gave out the link to a free reiki attunement.
section for reiki with all kinds of instructions.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Personal Daily Horoscope for Mandy
Yesterday's Horoscope | Today's Horoscope | Tomorrow's Horoscope
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cancer(June 21 - July 22)
It has been said that possession is nine-tenths of the law, but this does not apply to love. Now that there is the potential for experiencing a different kind of love in your life, you might be trying to understand how to work with it. Perhaps it's not what you were expecting, but then again, it hardly ever is. Don't try to possess what you love. It doesn't work. Instead, bless it and nurture it and love it as it flies freely through your life. The reward of love comes from loving.
And on that note, today I gave out the link to a free reiki attunement.
Not A Salesman 1/26/04
I have taken three flights of stairs, and 13 stitches in my nose trying to keep the facade of "work" up and running...
I don't want to sell you something that you don't really need. I dont' want to push consumerism down your throat...I don't want to be your enabler... I don't want to be your drug dealer. I don't want to be a user. I want to give you something that will help you grow in exchange for something that I need to live.
I don't want to take your abuse either... I just want to be me, to be able to express and live and do that which I love and am.
I want to be true to myself, my purpose, my goals and dreams and SOUL. And perhaps even more true right now, given how much i struggle with my own self image, and question my sanity and wonder if maybe there's no point to all of it and I'm just plain WRONG about what I believe and think and have been taught and know....
More true than anything else is the fact that I want to be true to love and that this struggle seperates me from love, even more than it seperates me from myself.
The thing is that as I'm writing this I think to myself "why in the world would you care or want to hear about the pain i experience?" What would this do for you? I know that really this is all just for me- because i can't keep hold on to things anymore or I'm going to end up in a ditch somewhere outside of space and time.
I don't want to sell you something that you don't really need. I dont' want to push consumerism down your throat...I don't want to be your enabler... I don't want to be your drug dealer. I don't want to be a user. I want to give you something that will help you grow in exchange for something that I need to live.
I don't want to take your abuse either... I just want to be me, to be able to express and live and do that which I love and am.
I want to be true to myself, my purpose, my goals and dreams and SOUL. And perhaps even more true right now, given how much i struggle with my own self image, and question my sanity and wonder if maybe there's no point to all of it and I'm just plain WRONG about what I believe and think and have been taught and know....
More true than anything else is the fact that I want to be true to love and that this struggle seperates me from love, even more than it seperates me from myself.
The thing is that as I'm writing this I think to myself "why in the world would you care or want to hear about the pain i experience?" What would this do for you? I know that really this is all just for me- because i can't keep hold on to things anymore or I'm going to end up in a ditch somewhere outside of space and time.
Just Being there- jan
Tonight I held a womyn who lay bleeding on the concrete. A bus pulled itself slowly past, as people walked by with their eyes closed.
S**, or so she was called by those who were with her, lay before me, spit bubbling from her mouth, eyes open as slits, and a pool of blood and glasses under her head.
Sitting with her there, trying to hold her head off of the cement, without moving her too much, feeling the energy pour from my hands into her body... feeling the intoxication and panic in her blood... the regret, the disorientation...
I wished somehow that I could tell her that she was infinately loved, and that the world was not the place she thought it was.
**Thank You, my annonymous friend who shared her gloves and knew "just a little first aid"- you helped me more than you will ever know.
S**, or so she was called by those who were with her, lay before me, spit bubbling from her mouth, eyes open as slits, and a pool of blood and glasses under her head.
Sitting with her there, trying to hold her head off of the cement, without moving her too much, feeling the energy pour from my hands into her body... feeling the intoxication and panic in her blood... the regret, the disorientation...
I wished somehow that I could tell her that she was infinately loved, and that the world was not the place she thought it was.
**Thank You, my annonymous friend who shared her gloves and knew "just a little first aid"- you helped me more than you will ever know.
18.4.04
Jan. 5 2001- Snow and Ice
Alright all of you shamans and witch doctors in ontario. Enough!! I know it's a very funny little joke to switch the weather system. Sure you have 8 degree weather, and we're freezing out here in Van. All I have to say to you is this... If you like the weather that much, move here.
The snow continues... and I remember rollerblading in a sweatshirt last year at this time.
This is a giant cosmic joke right? Some of the demi-gods got together and decided to give the province hosting the winter olympics a bit of a weather nudge? There are homeless freezing in the streets here... and none of us are really prepared for snow-
At least Bob loves the snow. You guyz should see the booties we got him...
The snow continues... and I remember rollerblading in a sweatshirt last year at this time.
This is a giant cosmic joke right? Some of the demi-gods got together and decided to give the province hosting the winter olympics a bit of a weather nudge? There are homeless freezing in the streets here... and none of us are really prepared for snow-
At least Bob loves the snow. You guyz should see the booties we got him...
Hello There
Just testing the blog, since I've never had my own blog before. :)
I just want to make a quick note before I forget for anyone here wondering about the dated entries... from time to time I'm going to try and update as much to this blog as possible from old entries. I've been meaning to get some writing out there and post a blog since January of this year, and even downloaded IBlog software for that purpose. Then my trial version expired, and I never quite got around to blogging again. That having been said, I wanted to post the old entries- no matter how much confusion it causes... and am dating those at the top... at least until I figure out how to change dates in my blog. :)
There will hopefully be many dimensions to this blog. First and foremost, is this section, the journal... but also, I hope to compile some funky work related to beauty and truth and love and ...
oh, wait, wrong site... I do hope to get some information posted about what I do, who I am, what I study and am passionate about. The tarot, reiki, feng shui, astrology and the i ching, psychology and philosophy all come up often. I have some great ideas- but I would ask that when you're reading the ideas here you don't scam them and use them without asking me first... just common courtesy. I'll have a site of my own up and running one of these days (yes, another one), but until then, tune in and read when you want to really truly know what's happening in my life, or are looking for messages from the universe.
I just want to make a quick note before I forget for anyone here wondering about the dated entries... from time to time I'm going to try and update as much to this blog as possible from old entries. I've been meaning to get some writing out there and post a blog since January of this year, and even downloaded IBlog software for that purpose. Then my trial version expired, and I never quite got around to blogging again. That having been said, I wanted to post the old entries- no matter how much confusion it causes... and am dating those at the top... at least until I figure out how to change dates in my blog. :)
There will hopefully be many dimensions to this blog. First and foremost, is this section, the journal... but also, I hope to compile some funky work related to beauty and truth and love and ...
oh, wait, wrong site... I do hope to get some information posted about what I do, who I am, what I study and am passionate about. The tarot, reiki, feng shui, astrology and the i ching, psychology and philosophy all come up often. I have some great ideas- but I would ask that when you're reading the ideas here you don't scam them and use them without asking me first... just common courtesy. I'll have a site of my own up and running one of these days (yes, another one), but until then, tune in and read when you want to really truly know what's happening in my life, or are looking for messages from the universe.
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