Life Is A Transformation

If I don't believe that I am transforming now- and always then I have no place to move forward to.... That is my belief- and until that changes I'm going to stand within it until it no longer serves me.
If you think I'm stagnant or trapped... that's your choice to do so- I believe I get super depressed for several reasons-

1. I am not acting in ways that are aligned with who I can be... so it all seems pointless.
2. I have never acknowledged my own past pain and experiences and that process has overwhelmed me- because I've stopped running and it's catching up.
3. If I am going to live this life as only I can, if I am truly as great as you suggest, then why don't I see that? Why do I consistently make choices that hurt me, and choose paths that cause me to stumble and fall... or worse, begin my journey and then sabotage myself when it begins to become wonderful? I can say the words; by in my heart I do not feel them.

If I cannot find the answers to these things... then I will continue to move, without growing. And I'm tired of "making do" "accepting less", running, hiding from internal pain and lying about it. This is nothing new, just nothing I have chosen to disclose prior to school. As a student today reminded me, I am in this place at CTI and part of what I have chosen in that path is to reopen the past, release pain, and open the closets so my skeletons can be let out.... in so doing, freeing room for flowers in every hallway, bright lights and beautiful paintings on the walls. If I'm lucky when this is finished I won't need storage at all. :)