The Veil of Depression

What is it that I know I am to do? That is the question I cannot answer, and I desperately want to know that. do you think if I actually knew exactly what I should do I would not be doing it now? You have no idea how much pain I am feeling related to this, and how much it hurts me not to be using all of that somewhere potential. It has driven me nearly mad with grief, and it has paralyzed me that I cannot see, where I once saw so clearly. If you think for one second that I'm content to exist as I do, within the limitations I have imposed on myself by my own choices, then I need you to rethink that.

What I am living is a shell of what I could be doing in this life... and I know it.

I feel it every morning when I wake up, I sense it in the air, through the trees and the people I see around me... I am so aware of it that I can't see past the pain of this knowledge to the path or the forest. And it feels like nothing that I am, none of who I am actually matters at all. It feels like I want the impossible- that I don't deserve happiness, because I have not proved my own worth. For I know I am capable of such things... and the only standard I can measure myself against is myself-

I have so many questions about who I am and what is happening to me, and why it matters. I feel lost without my faith in purpose and knowledge of what direction to travel in. I have given up some things that I should not have, and I have taken on others that were not ever meant for me. I don't want your judgment- nor your pity... at the same time, I also accept that because I started this by expressing how I feel, then I have given you the right to judge or react to my feelings as you see fit.

What I am trying to find right now is who I am- and I don't understand what makes me unique or special or anything of significance. The great "unshakable" faith that I had in myself when I arrived here, the wonder of the world and the feelings of love and non-judgment... the childlike wonder of the world are something I want to recover.

And then for a brief moment the veil will lift, and I will see the beauty and wonder and joy and truth and beauty and orgasmic pleasure of life.... as it is, without it needing to change or "be anything".