On being selfish

I am not in a hurry to move mountains... I am going to do what I can now, in the few years remaining to us before all things become chaotic. If you want the truth, all healing done now is really just preparation for those of us who will have to protect and heal others in the future. And it must be done now.

The world is not waiting for me.... and even if it were to- let it- I have waited for the world for many lifetimes.

In this lifetime I have felt that I've been waiting for the world since I arrived here. In the past it has rejected me, attacked me, enraged me with its violence and the incredible pure selfishness it has displayed. And I have responded in kind.

Well, emotionally I'm learning to grow up. And if that means I have to wallow in being childish, and letting that inner kid grow up then SO BE IT. The world will continue until it ends... and even after it ends there will still be life. Energy can never be destroyed; it can only be moved, separated or transformed.


So if I seem selfish myself now, I accept that there is going to be a time when I give myself to the world, and I will have to do so without reservation. Maybe in order to do so I need to understand this violence, this pain and suffering and selfishness within myself so that I can really help, and truly understand my enemy- and best friend.

And maybe in being selfish I will turn my back on the world and never understand or accept what I could/should do while I am here... and if so, then when I am forced to see the truth of that and it dawns on me how much time I've wasted, I will truly understand why we have brought ourselves this far in destruction, why we hurt each other so much, why we do not change and why we continue to pursue these things, judgments and all...
Instead of love.

And maybe by this choice to wait, maybe in doing what you accuse me of, I will have the greatest epiphany of all, and learn how I can best serve and forgive myself for not being accepted by the world, for not being able to heal everything "right now", for being so full of ability and "talent" and desire and passion to change things, and never having done so, for not knowing how.

For now I feel the world does not need me in any way shape or form, I feel cast out, in the same way that I have rejected and ignored myself. And if that is a justification and sounds self righteous... tough, it's the only answer I have.