Another Lapse...

The image at the top is part of an ongoing tarot deck project. I created this image last night, needing some creative time. It is the two of staves. If you are interested in learning more about my tarot work- please contact me at amanda@wccenlightenment.ca.

Hello there Friends. Yes, I am aware that it has been some time. About half a year to be exact. Well, sometimes it takes six months or so for me to work something out of my system. Let me tell you about what I've been working on getting out of my system in the past few months.

1. Market research finished and compiled.
2. I was accepted to a government sponsored program to write my business plan and build my business for the first year.
3. I am getting a grant from the government for my business.
2. I wrote my business plan.
3. I got the plan approved by the program.
4. I filled out mountains of paperwork.
5. My plan was approved (after a short battle over my counselling credentials)by a committee of business owners/peers in my community.
6. I went home to ontario for 2 weeks to get my Reiki Mastery. I am a reiki master
7. I was ordained. I am a reverand.
8. I registered myself with the Canadian Professional Counselling Association. I am a Registered Professional Counsellor (intern)
9. I got a kitten named sumo, and have been raising him and taking him for long walks in the park.
10. I registered my business name: West Coast Centre for Enlightenment (Yeah Baby!)
11. I registered my business partnership with the government
12. I've been creating marketing materials, publishing a monthly print newsletter- called the West Coast Lens.
13. I have a domain name: www.wccenlightenment.ca, and a server (we give out e-mails to members of the company) My partner Etienne and I are building a website right now.
14. Sometimes I sleep.
15. I created my first class/coursebook for Reiki Level One- and ran that class last week.
16. I have been networking like crazy and meeting all kinds of people.
17. I have been rediscovering the joy of living and living well.
18. I am teaching myself about abundance all over again.
19. I am having a lot of fun even with all of the hours-
20. I am doing what I love to do for a living- and
21. I have an online store in progress, volunteers who are helping me with all kinds of things for the business, new students, and some amazing friends. I am starting to really feel secure and confident about where this is going- and I have a picture of the journey clearly written down on paper with steps for how to get there.

So- I am the founding director of West Coast Centre for Enlightenment. I am teaching. I am working on my dream. I am developing a company that will make a differance in my community. I am working towards building my school.

And I haven't written a thing in here. :) But surely you can see why? ;)

Goodbye anime, part I

Ah, so I think I've thouroughally destroyed my best intentions of writing everyday. Bah humbug! (and don't you just love my spelling ;)

Right now I'm sitting in front of my computer listening to Keane (www.keanemusic.com), and Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" and the intermittent fire alarm that keeps going off. Today is alarm testing day in my building. It has me in a bit of a strange mood.

I've finally finished my market research. I go into my meeting tomorrow.... I know that the results were worth taking the extra time.

My lesson in Temprence (card 14 of the Major Arcana of the tarot) is finally finished. I actually ended up crossing water and going to vancouver island as part of the process. Ironically, although this character that I write as, Anime_Rose, died with my Death lesson, here I am still writing as her. At least until my next post.

I have offically (well, ok, by officially I mean that I have notified my family) chosen to change my name for the last time.

So please, if you write to me, call me by my chosen name "Amaya".

Yes, a maya, or anti-illusion er... truth, or in japanese "night rain" (or so I've been told).

So, as this is my final post as anime_rose... as my even my e-mail has changed to reflect my new journey.... let me just say Goodbye.

Writing as anime_rose has been a rewarding, if sometimes frustrating experience. And now, as I move out of her character and choose instead to embrace a new name, for my business, my writing and my everyday life... I can't help but feel a little nostalgic.

For as anime_rose I moved from fool to death... I experienced intense heights and lows, I found so many positive and beautiful experiences. Rose was my compass, and my guide for this time, and I have nothing but gratitude and thankfulness for what I"ve learned from her. Anime, well, this artistic form is about to become real... no longer a stylized cartoon, an illusion, but Truth- with Amaya.

Annie Mae was also, interestingly enough, the name of a great aunt of mine who died before I was born. I learned this some time after choosing the name. And naturally, as I do not believe in coincidences, it is entirely possible that Annie was watching over me during this time of transition and definiton, lending me her name until I could find my own voice.

Now, as I move beyond the river, washed clean of old identity, and return to real life.... as I begin to make what I will be, Alive, I have let her go. I have chosen to say goodbye to that part of myself, to bring forth something new.

At times I may still write as anime_rose, but I have baptised myself into Amaya, and this new light.

Blessings
to one and all
from the sky
the storm
the lighthouse
and the ship that sails home
And welcome to the new world
.amaya.

stay tuned for part ii of this goodbye post.

definitions

I can define myself as an artist, if you want.
I can put that box on my head and dance around in it for a while.
Except that my subjects now are energy, e-motion, and the human spirit, as well as paint and plaster.

Life is a canvas.
And when I carve, paint and sculpt, I'm not imposing anything at all.
Instead I look into the center of my subject, my material, my clay or energy or form, and I begin to slowly chip away the dead layers... I begin to shape and bring forth the radiant and vibrant form that lives beneath the surface.

I may help something move from inanimate to animate, but they themselves are already a creation, already a very special force and form. I need not change that, just help it speak a little perhaps, or teach it how to dance, or float lazily down a river, or laugh.... the rest of the process, well.... if you want to know, e-mail me and find out.

Who am I?

Mist and rain,
Night rain,
falling softly,
gently,
a torrent in places,
merging into the clouds,
and above them mist,
and at the highest point
the sky,
stars,
emptiness....
And then I am stars
mist
clouds,
rain...
a drop falling to the earth,
a splash, a ripple in water,
reflecting the sky.

-ajd

Where am I?

I'm still meditating on certain aspects of my life.
And I still have questions.
And I'm still alive.
So things are pretty normal.

But I wonder at times
if the energy in the rooms that I walk into
changes to suit my mind or if I see what is,
or if both of those things are true.

I step outside,
inside
around
and down the street
I walk left and right
and hold myself back while rushing forward
I think not ahead
and try
not-
to-
get stuck in a time loop
of the past

but you know how that is.

And I'm typing and questioning if I should be real or honest,
or if I should just be and let other people worry about the details.
except that if you're all reflections
of my mind and soul,
pieces of me,
then I'm really going to end up worrying about
details, because you will be-
and you are me.

And just typing and questioning and standing
and sitting
and lying down....
and being sad
and happy and small and infinate
all at once
are enough right now
At least for me.

If you want more than that
then you're just going to have
to be me for a while
and I'll be you
or we can stop trying
stop asking
stop doing
and meaning
and thinking
and acting
and just

LIVE.

.ajd.

How many what does it take to change a what?!

http://www.hopeforishmael.org/humor/humor_lightbulb.html

Just a little humor today.

flumarwoof

tired,
and it's late and i wanted to type a story,
but it's too much
so tomorrow,
morning notes.

Will my will please step out of the crowd?

So...

last night I was writing before bed, trying to identify the feelings and fears I've been having, and I began to see specifically where the emotions and pain were located.

This pain actually began to gather in my will center (solar plexus for those of you who are unfamiliar with the chakras).

So I stopped writing when it became too painful to bear, laid back and gave myself some reiki. But now today, the pain is there, not so strong, but clenching, pulling.... like a little gremlin is pulling at my will and twisting my gut.

And then my Pigeon flew by today to ask me how I'm doing with my Marketing Research.... seeing as he is doing great. I listened to him talk about how he went about doing his research, and realized that I could change my approach a lot.... shorten my survey for one thing to make it more likely for people to talk to me.

And just dive in.

But Lyle also gave me a deadline to work towards as well- the group meets on teh first friday of each month- so on the first of April. I should have my research finished before then.

Today is a Gestault day.

Today I go to abbotsford... I just wrote a huge long blog entry about a dream I had last night and questions about a certain person in my life... and then Pat the Cat jumped on my keyboard and deleted the entire thing!!!

MRRRRREEEEEEEAWWWWWWW!

I guess it wasn't very good then. Maybe I should have her double check all of my posts.

:)

Anime's Blog- powered by Pat the CAt.

Maybe.


Today's going to be great. Market research today and Legal grounds... I get to spend a couple hours talking about my dream to interested people. I get to move forward with my market research and get some more work done. Yay!!

Happy happy me.

I'm really trying to be enthusiastic about today, and convert some of my nervous energy into excited energy. I read somewhere that nervousness and excitement are the same emotion, but nervousness is simply filtered through Fear.

Probably during those Gestault classes. Afterall the high point in Gestault is Full contact. I definately want to... er... Today I will embrace the experience instead of shying away from it.

Today is a perfect day for what I need to do. I will easily and effortlessly be able to talk to others, approach others, and ask for help from others. I will be able to talk in a coherant way about my business. It will be a learning, positive experience for me if people say no. I will not have trouble asking for survey's to be filled out.

This is a wonderful day for being the owner of Center for Enlightenment.

Yay to me!! I love me, and I accept all things that come my way today.
Just for today I will not be angry
Just for today I will not worry
Just for today I will do my work honestly
Just for today I will honor every living thing
Just for today I will pulse with gratitude.... I will feel the joy of being alive and be so thankful for the opportunity to live my dreams. I will experience a great thankfulness to those who have been helping me. I will be full of joy for those who will stop to help me by filling out a survey. I will be grateful to myself for allowing myself to experience this wonderful day.

Dreams and Dreamscapes

Last night I had a dream that encompassed many facets of my life. Its setting was a giant school full of gods and students. Two seperate factions existed. One was the manistream, dominant. When I say dominant I mean that most of the people at this school were unaware of the existance of that other force, the other group of students. They were unaware of the struggle that went on to make them more aware, they simply went along with the dominant stream, the "normal". I can't say that this stream was "evil", because it doesn't seem to quite apply. It's just that Those that had not seen the Other side didn't really think about choice, hadn't really awakened to the possibilities.

The other group, I guess you could call them subversive. I mean subversive in its forms of fighting- quietly not by force. The goal seemed to be to create a balance, to let those other students who were unaware make a choice, to create more possibilites for the students. It is much deeper than that but in the dream I understood the differances so clearly that they did not need to be defined, and so I can not clearly define them even now. But I was sitting in that corner, I didn't begin by being aligned with this group, but started my journey with them to help a friend. I started out as a regular student, who helped a friend who needed me. She was aligned with this other group, and as I helped her, I began to see and want to help this other group.

There was to be a giant game. A match to be played out in a giant stadium. This match was to be a sort of battle between the two sides, although those in the stands were still mainly unaware of the importance of the match itself, thinking they were just watching a great game. This tournament was to be the final deciding space for both sides. They would test their wills and selves against each other, and see what happened, rather than trying to conrol the masses who were in school. It was not about winning or losing, but about confrontation, and testing each other, and seeing what result would come of this, and where we could go afterwards.

In the dream, myself and some of the other members of this second group dressed up in costumes, to become a part of the crowd and evoke responses. I remember at one point being dressed up as a giant cow.... which sounds pretty funny, but in the dream it evoked memories and associations of the hindu/eastern beliefs. It was like we were taking on the roles of gods ourselves to help our cause.

Right before I awoke, near the completion of this match, a third force came. I was standing with Etienne in our "office" a room with giant windows for watching the game. A giant tornado came, prepared to obliterate everything, it was coming for us.... it wanted to consume us. And I turned myself into a small tornado, and stood in its path. I said to it/him, "No, this is my choice, this is the one I want to learn from and stand with, I am exactly where I want to be. You can destroy me, and him and all of this, but you can not destroy that choice. I can not fight you, but I will not give in to you."

He stood there, a force that filled my vision and obliterated all view of the sky, the game, the crowd, the sun, the world.... and he smiled. I think he chuckled/was amused by my audacity to stand up to such strength with nothing more than my self. And he said something to the effect of

"Excellent. You and him both, now you are teachers. You choose this path, as I knew you would... and all of you eventually do. But for you both, it is the only choice. Go and teach, go and be who you Are. It is time for you to begin to learn again." (of course teaching means being a student, lest we forget that)

I wish I could remember the exact wording.... could convey the images and experiences and sensations and feelings that rushed through my soul when he spoke. The conversation was much more than words- it was an allbeing conversation. But I think unless you've experienced that sort of thing yourself, you probably won't understand it. The sense I got was one of completion, of power, of certainty, of grounding, of flying and of being exactly right. The images were about him and I teaching- of me teaching, of a lifetime of experiences, but all focused on one path, not splitting or diverging. It was incredible, joyful, powerful, awe-some. It was a sense of coming home.

And at the end of the dream, before I woke up I saw the founder of the other side, and I realized that all three (not two as there had been at the beginning... for this tornado was beyond either side) factions had become aligned. We were all working from different ends, for the same force.

And then I awoke.

Just For Today, morning pages

Just for today, I will not be angry.
Just for today I will honor every living thing.
I will laugh and feel the freedom of choice and the power that this freedom of choice gives me.
Just for today I will be full of gratitude.
I will bless the things which come my way, and see the beauty of the gifts that are brought into my life.
Just for today I will not worry.
I will love and live and feel the breath of life rush through my lungs and body. I will endevor to fill my mind and soul and heart with joyful life energy.
Just for today I will seek out the adventure and live a life that suits my inner/higher/wider/deepest self. And I will have fun doing this.

Just for today I will feed myself a diet of enjoyment, cut out the guilt and the stress. That should make everything taste better. ;)

Just for today I will do my work honestly.

So far this morning, I've been doing well. Only 1 cigarette, and I made Etienne breakfast. Right now I'm sitting here with red goo on my head, waiting for my time to run out. I don't know if I should have stuck with the same as always, but I do like the colour. And Etienne himself did say that red would make my hair "pop". Can't be anything wrong with that now can there?

See, I want a look that is energizing, light, fun. It's not about being admired though, its really about my own philosophy in the work I want to do. If I am giong to run this center -

Woah... can you believe I just said "If I am going to"?? What is that about? Ok Me- listen- there is not a shadow of a doubt that I will be running this center. I don't know why in the world you think there is a maybe, but I know that I will, am and can. so Ha Ha Ha, nice try.

Anyway.... about my look- the philosophy I'm working with is about energy. It's about bringing people back to life and waking them up to their potentials and power. So with that in mind, I'm throwing out the window the "safe" pastel colours of traditional counselling offices. I want people to walk into the office and feel rejuvinated and more awake- empowered. So I've decided to go for vibrant and full of life force. So hair, well, I'm just going to style it according to my mood- and how the energy flows on any given day. Follow the energy lines. That may be a bit tricky until I get used to it, but the day before yesterday I had it perfect, and then yesterday I tried to impose the previous day's style on it and it rebelled on me.

So I have to not try to make it conform to my "idea" of what is right, but just follow the energy itself and see what happens.

What about clothing/Style?

Um.... I am having a bit of trouble with this. I don't want to get stuck in a rut... don't want to wear clothes to outragegous.... But dont want to be totally conformed to the "long flowing clothing" look that a lot of spiriutal practitioners use. I mean I want to cross between the rave style, something really classic and simple, and the flowing loose clothing. Can't i have it all?

I want to be comfortable all the time, and mobile and look good. And I don't want to go to people's houses or visit other businesses and have them feel underdressed because of how dressed up I am. I also don't want to be a mess/slob myself.

Make up is the easy one... not much of it. Really don't want to look over processed. I want to look fresh and clean and emphasize my eyes, to make it easier for people to see the "real" me.

Accessories... um, see clothing.

I want my mood/energy when I'm working with people to be able to alternate between the childlike exhuberance and bubbliness, and the calming soothing person I can be, the edgy opinionated expressive self, and the soft sensitive caring self. I want to be able to hold somone's had and sit quietly with them when they need to be comforted, and be able to jump into a happy dance (and really mean/feel it) when I walk out the door into a more loud/energized experience.

I guess I have to be a bit of a chameleon then, changing depending on the need/situation/group.

However.... I must always remember that the Chameleon doesn't actually change. Only the cloak does- only the skin changes. The essential self, shape and size and so on stays the same.

Totem for today, the chameleon. For the third eye, and for the power to adapt to situations regardless of how difficult.

So, my red hair has to be about ready... I am going to go have one last cigarette before I let my roots show.

Maybe next time I'll go for a light red-blonde/something really bright.... hmmmm.... Not a bad idea.

Great day to go out and talk to people.
Just for today Iw ill not worry about what people think of me, I will bring myself fully to the situation and not stress about their interpretation of my selfness.

Acting 101, How to Become a Star in a World of Supporting Players

So.... I'm trying to do - no scratch that-

I am doing market research. (just don't want to create more difficulty with my choice of wording)

But, I have been (in the past 2 weeks) getting stalled by fear of talking to people about my business.

For some reason, (past, not present, because as of last night, and today I am actively changing that pattern), I have been struggling with

Fear of Talking About MYself.

Anxiety about what will happen

But I refuse to get stuck in the PAST. Because in the past I curled up in a corner, avoided challenging myself to move beyond my fears. Let past memories and associations hem me in.

Right now I have a 100% Success rate in my surveys. Everyone I have asked for feedback has been very positive. Everyone I h ave asked to fill out a survey has said yes.

So.... I have an 11 out of 11 success rate.

The businesses that I have talked to have been supportive, and 3 out of 3 have offered me space for rent.

So why in the world, do I still feel anxiety?

I can visualize walking up to a person and asking them, and the result is always positive. Regardless of what I do though in my brain, I get stressed when it comes to action. Reading about how to still anxiety doesn't help. In fact I get even more anxious.

So- what can I do to help myself?

Use my own words, my own teachings.

One of the courses I'm planning to run is a workshop called "Acting 101: How to become your own star in a world of supporting players."

The premise of the course is to create a new character for yourself, and to learn how to act AS IF. I designed it specifically for Characters who have difficulty with Ego related living.

Stage one, is to look at the character you think you are right now. To define that character, honestly, and look at what your stage looks like. (what have you brought into your life to support this character)
This also means looking at the differences between the internal voice (your ultimate god self), and your external mortal self.

Stage two is to define a character who you want to be (doesn't have to be permanant, can be a role for just one area of your life). How are you and this character the same? How are they different?

Stage three is to build a bridge between the old and new character. There are a few ways to do this
1. Through the external environment (physical home, people you know/surround yourself with, job, etc.)
2. Through creating new material for yourself (and practicing it on a daily basis)
3. Through your costume and props.

So... having said all of that, where does this leave me?

1. I need to look at the character I am.

In this context, I am a character who is afraid of rejection. I am anxious about the idea of talking to people, because I have had many very negative experiences with both my family and with organizations who have shot down ideas without any real reason to do so.
This means that my ego appearance tends to whisper, I use a quiet voice, I try to smooth the waves.
I dress is colours that will not get me noticed. I don't do much with my hair or clothes, trying to be comfortable, because I don't want to be noticed. So the idea of hiding, while still being out there. So I am hiding in my own skin. Interesting. I wonder if being a grey/smoke is like that.... you choose to pull your energy well within yourself so that you can make a choice, wear dull colours. It isn't until you choose a position that you begin to shine out.... because the light then has a focus. For those of you reading at home wondering what the heck a grey/smoke is..... please check the glossary of terms.

My Goddess/Higher Self, is not a quiet person. She is vibrant, full of life and energy and power. She gets angry at injustice, she can be soft and persuasive at times, but she is compelling, holds strong beliefs and understandings about the universe, and knows how to project and express those knowings.
She knows that she is the ultimate power in the universe- (as are we all, says my small frail ego, just so noone will be offended). And when I compare the two, I see a situation dangerously close to a black hole.

(again, another thought- that the idea of a star collapsing into a black hole, could be used as a metaphor for the process of change from white practitioners to black ones- when we condense all of our power, when we continually try to keep that light from shining outward, and when the external pressures become too much eventually that light source collapses into itself; the result is a person who has great power and influence, but everything is sucked into a black center. You can't see what's inside, but the pull is great- Luke, join the dark side.... For more on Black/white according to my definition, see the glossary.
This of course is metaphorical.... but it leads to a whole other realm of ideas.
Like, if I want to be a star- then do I need to focus my energy outward, focus on expressing the positive, the love, the beauty, the joy inside of myself out into the world? Isn't that the point of the enlightenment center- to allow as many people as possible to do so? Otherwise, we continue to suck ourselves into ourselves, until we are no more?
Like the idea of the universe beginning with a big bang... but that explosion didn't create a new universe, it simply released everything that already was from entrapment. And the question of what happened to the prevous incarnation of the universe that became a black hole? Did it simply collapse inward out of despair, feeding off of itself until? If this was the case, then our own world, our universe as it exists, is it truly simply a case of choosing not to spiral inward, to avoid the desire for self-destruction in order to improve/or change or present course of action? And if we don't change our current choice to suck energy inward, will we too become a black hole, and then later reincarnate as a new universe, continuing a cycle which has gone on forever?)

2. I need to create a new character who wants to go out and talk to people, who has no fear of rejection, who is a sales person, confident, engaging, interested in others, full of gratitude and gifts and the desire to give.
This means letting go of fear of rejection and so on, so that I can expand my light, instead of shrinking it.

So who do I want to be?
See my next post for an answer, I have to meditate on this for a while.

InconGRRRRuous

Word of the Day for Saturday March 5, 2005



incongruous \in-KONG-groo-us\, adjective:

1. Lacking in harmony, compatibility, or appropriateness.

2. Inconsistent with reason, logic, or common sense.



From Dictionary.Com

Well, my friends. My apartment certainly fits the bill these days. How does it happen? One day, everything is in it's place, the next.... there is no space.

Books, papers, LIFE, explodes into the apartment.

i admit I like things to be ordered... it's the unfortunate condition of someone who is both a lifelong artist and a student of Feng Shui. (plus, I'm a little addicted to HGTV). But these days, I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by disorder and chaop 3w4
6['n-ms.

Exit Stance?

"The universe is an infinate sphere"
The center everywhere
the curcumfrance nowhere"
(excuse spelling)
From "I Heart Huckabees" the movie (go see it)

What are we made of? Light and shadows...
Interconnected energy,
do you see how we are all everything and at the same time
we are nothing?
Does it make sense that in being so interconnected, in being all things at once, in belonging to and being connected with everything and everyone else, we are absolutly meaningless because we encompass all meaning?

Do you ever ponder this idea that the infinity of your soul makes you meaningless? And does this understanding, this imagining, cause you despair? Cause you to think "Why bother? If it's all nothing, if I am nothing, then why live.... why believe in anything?" Do you ever sink into the black despair of night and want to stop because you don't know how to go forward without a larger purpose?

I did.

I sat and saw the infinity and my own impossilities. I questioned and cried at the unfairness of meaningless. I grieved the passage of that faith in the unseen forces beyond myself, I wept for the death of fate and time and purpose.

And then slowly, I began to realize that this meaninglessness, this infinity could set me free. Suddenly I began to understand that I could be anything- that I already was everything that I wanted to be.

And that helped a little. But it still wasn't quite enough. I couldn't simply let go of a lifetime of planning and belief and faith. I didin't want to.

Because I didn't know what it was that I wanted, hadn't grasped who I was, hadn't made a decision about my own self- and so got lost in the infinate. I saw my smallness, my meaninglessness, instead of my largeness, my incredible self.

And slowly, ever so gently, I began to see once again the force that runs through us all.... I realized that even if time was meaningless on one level, time was still passing. Even if I was everything, I still lived in an experience where forms could be picked up, cast shadows, weigh something.

It's not always easy to see both the infinate and the immediate at once. But it's definatly easier once you move through formlessness back into form.