Ah, at last I am moving out of death. I've started embracing temprence as my next card in the Major Arcana. Temprence is a card which depicts an angel pouring water into one cup behind his back, and transforming it into wine- (the representation of understanding how to transform energy and matter on a physical level).
The angel (sometimes called Archangel Michael or Michelle if you wish), is stepping into water and moving towards a mountain- with a crown on top and paradise on the other side of the ocean- a whole paradise of love.
This weekend has been a whirlwind- lots of really positive, new and different and life affirming experiences.
I've been thinking about crossing an ocean in my life for a while (the next card I'm
studying in the tarot is Temprance), and I realized during my whilrwind of a weekend that I've actually stepped into the water. For the moment I'm trying to get a sense of depth (would hate to dive in and get my head smacked really hard). And since I've stepped off of the beach (so to speak), well... I realize that I am or have actually left the shore and am moving to a whole new world on the other side- strange and I laugh at myself for the metaphor, but apt I think.
Now here I am today. It is monday. And in the past three days I've realized that I am standing in the water... I am here. The shore is no longer my home, even though it is still under my feet- I am gradually and slowly moving to a place where the shore will no longer hold me up- where I will be swimming in the water for a while. If I keep swimming forward I will come to a place where a new shore begins. And then I can walk up onto firm ground, and begin begin journeying towards and up my mountain. Temprence really is the preview card of the next Series in the Arcana. It is a map that tells you where you are in comparison to where you are going.
The thing about being the angel- having transformed from death- is (or at least how I feel about it), is that I feel a little like a shell. My inner self is there- strong and beautiful and oh so powerful- but also not always within me- sometimes hiding or watching things instead of being grounded and connected to my feet. But I have to fill up the space around myself with that inner being- (the whole water crossing experience). 'If' the water in temprance represents love, then I need to be full of love for myself and trust love again before I can enter the shore on the other side.
And I worry a bit about being this hollow and ready for a new energy and new love in my life (and I don't specifically mean a relationship- I simply mean love manifested in my life in the day to day events and experiences and interactions I have). I dont' want to fill up that space with negative or not healthy things anymore. I'm doing a very good job of space clearing in my life right now, making room for something beautiful and for love and light to be there with me.
And yet I do have to admit that I'm looking for a partner- for that elusive soul-mate that we all want to experience in relationship. Someone who loves themselves and who really doesn't need me- who instead is passionate about me and what I'm doing in my life. A partner who can work with me at WCCE because they believe in it and in me.
But more than that- I have such a longing for that person- that reflection in the mirror. I know I can have that experience and that it is there.
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I was thinking last night about how the tarot- the major arcana really are a series of world events as much as they are personal ones. We experienced Temprence when the crossing to America happened- and we have been moving toward reunion and the world ever since. The devil has been a big issue for us- as has understanding who we are- and moving closer to the world view of being one person- giving birth to a new generation of people (our crystal children etc.).
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I do have a tendancy to jump into my own experiences very quickly, once I decide to enjoy them. Once I decide to do something, I tend to dive to the deepest level of things- I really can only stand the superficial for a little while.
And thus the split with the partner- he is in many ways paddling on the surface of life right now- and I am deep sea diving- not so easy to travel together and frustrating when I come back up for air and he has no interest in the amazing life I've discovered, nor in sharing in it.
So when I feel it's safe to do so with other people, I will tend to cut through to the core of things- as I see them naturally. And that means that I will put out exercises that push comfort zones for people. I want to get the message out there that it's ok to stretch your limits. The lesson can be fun and easy- and social- but also stretch personal abilities and personal growth too- without breaking anyone.
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connecting to core self does not always happen easily and effortlessly. and there can be a lot of pain in the way- pain that comes out of being hurt badly by others, or of feeling powerless or of fear or rage. And to really truly connect to core self, to tap into that meditative state I'm trying to teach- well... you may have to paint the stuff in the way to clear it first.
you have to go through those things to reach the other side. Oh, go read the intro to my counselling website- it will tell you the story of how I see self:
www.geocities.com/anime_rose
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