Dreams and Dreamscapes

Last night I had a dream that encompassed many facets of my life. Its setting was a giant school full of gods and students. Two seperate factions existed. One was the manistream, dominant. When I say dominant I mean that most of the people at this school were unaware of the existance of that other force, the other group of students. They were unaware of the struggle that went on to make them more aware, they simply went along with the dominant stream, the "normal". I can't say that this stream was "evil", because it doesn't seem to quite apply. It's just that Those that had not seen the Other side didn't really think about choice, hadn't really awakened to the possibilities.

The other group, I guess you could call them subversive. I mean subversive in its forms of fighting- quietly not by force. The goal seemed to be to create a balance, to let those other students who were unaware make a choice, to create more possibilites for the students. It is much deeper than that but in the dream I understood the differances so clearly that they did not need to be defined, and so I can not clearly define them even now. But I was sitting in that corner, I didn't begin by being aligned with this group, but started my journey with them to help a friend. I started out as a regular student, who helped a friend who needed me. She was aligned with this other group, and as I helped her, I began to see and want to help this other group.

There was to be a giant game. A match to be played out in a giant stadium. This match was to be a sort of battle between the two sides, although those in the stands were still mainly unaware of the importance of the match itself, thinking they were just watching a great game. This tournament was to be the final deciding space for both sides. They would test their wills and selves against each other, and see what happened, rather than trying to conrol the masses who were in school. It was not about winning or losing, but about confrontation, and testing each other, and seeing what result would come of this, and where we could go afterwards.

In the dream, myself and some of the other members of this second group dressed up in costumes, to become a part of the crowd and evoke responses. I remember at one point being dressed up as a giant cow.... which sounds pretty funny, but in the dream it evoked memories and associations of the hindu/eastern beliefs. It was like we were taking on the roles of gods ourselves to help our cause.

Right before I awoke, near the completion of this match, a third force came. I was standing with Etienne in our "office" a room with giant windows for watching the game. A giant tornado came, prepared to obliterate everything, it was coming for us.... it wanted to consume us. And I turned myself into a small tornado, and stood in its path. I said to it/him, "No, this is my choice, this is the one I want to learn from and stand with, I am exactly where I want to be. You can destroy me, and him and all of this, but you can not destroy that choice. I can not fight you, but I will not give in to you."

He stood there, a force that filled my vision and obliterated all view of the sky, the game, the crowd, the sun, the world.... and he smiled. I think he chuckled/was amused by my audacity to stand up to such strength with nothing more than my self. And he said something to the effect of

"Excellent. You and him both, now you are teachers. You choose this path, as I knew you would... and all of you eventually do. But for you both, it is the only choice. Go and teach, go and be who you Are. It is time for you to begin to learn again." (of course teaching means being a student, lest we forget that)

I wish I could remember the exact wording.... could convey the images and experiences and sensations and feelings that rushed through my soul when he spoke. The conversation was much more than words- it was an allbeing conversation. But I think unless you've experienced that sort of thing yourself, you probably won't understand it. The sense I got was one of completion, of power, of certainty, of grounding, of flying and of being exactly right. The images were about him and I teaching- of me teaching, of a lifetime of experiences, but all focused on one path, not splitting or diverging. It was incredible, joyful, powerful, awe-some. It was a sense of coming home.

And at the end of the dream, before I woke up I saw the founder of the other side, and I realized that all three (not two as there had been at the beginning... for this tornado was beyond either side) factions had become aligned. We were all working from different ends, for the same force.

And then I awoke.

Just For Today, morning pages

Just for today, I will not be angry.
Just for today I will honor every living thing.
I will laugh and feel the freedom of choice and the power that this freedom of choice gives me.
Just for today I will be full of gratitude.
I will bless the things which come my way, and see the beauty of the gifts that are brought into my life.
Just for today I will not worry.
I will love and live and feel the breath of life rush through my lungs and body. I will endevor to fill my mind and soul and heart with joyful life energy.
Just for today I will seek out the adventure and live a life that suits my inner/higher/wider/deepest self. And I will have fun doing this.

Just for today I will feed myself a diet of enjoyment, cut out the guilt and the stress. That should make everything taste better. ;)

Just for today I will do my work honestly.

So far this morning, I've been doing well. Only 1 cigarette, and I made Etienne breakfast. Right now I'm sitting here with red goo on my head, waiting for my time to run out. I don't know if I should have stuck with the same as always, but I do like the colour. And Etienne himself did say that red would make my hair "pop". Can't be anything wrong with that now can there?

See, I want a look that is energizing, light, fun. It's not about being admired though, its really about my own philosophy in the work I want to do. If I am giong to run this center -

Woah... can you believe I just said "If I am going to"?? What is that about? Ok Me- listen- there is not a shadow of a doubt that I will be running this center. I don't know why in the world you think there is a maybe, but I know that I will, am and can. so Ha Ha Ha, nice try.

Anyway.... about my look- the philosophy I'm working with is about energy. It's about bringing people back to life and waking them up to their potentials and power. So with that in mind, I'm throwing out the window the "safe" pastel colours of traditional counselling offices. I want people to walk into the office and feel rejuvinated and more awake- empowered. So I've decided to go for vibrant and full of life force. So hair, well, I'm just going to style it according to my mood- and how the energy flows on any given day. Follow the energy lines. That may be a bit tricky until I get used to it, but the day before yesterday I had it perfect, and then yesterday I tried to impose the previous day's style on it and it rebelled on me.

So I have to not try to make it conform to my "idea" of what is right, but just follow the energy itself and see what happens.

What about clothing/Style?

Um.... I am having a bit of trouble with this. I don't want to get stuck in a rut... don't want to wear clothes to outragegous.... But dont want to be totally conformed to the "long flowing clothing" look that a lot of spiriutal practitioners use. I mean I want to cross between the rave style, something really classic and simple, and the flowing loose clothing. Can't i have it all?

I want to be comfortable all the time, and mobile and look good. And I don't want to go to people's houses or visit other businesses and have them feel underdressed because of how dressed up I am. I also don't want to be a mess/slob myself.

Make up is the easy one... not much of it. Really don't want to look over processed. I want to look fresh and clean and emphasize my eyes, to make it easier for people to see the "real" me.

Accessories... um, see clothing.

I want my mood/energy when I'm working with people to be able to alternate between the childlike exhuberance and bubbliness, and the calming soothing person I can be, the edgy opinionated expressive self, and the soft sensitive caring self. I want to be able to hold somone's had and sit quietly with them when they need to be comforted, and be able to jump into a happy dance (and really mean/feel it) when I walk out the door into a more loud/energized experience.

I guess I have to be a bit of a chameleon then, changing depending on the need/situation/group.

However.... I must always remember that the Chameleon doesn't actually change. Only the cloak does- only the skin changes. The essential self, shape and size and so on stays the same.

Totem for today, the chameleon. For the third eye, and for the power to adapt to situations regardless of how difficult.

So, my red hair has to be about ready... I am going to go have one last cigarette before I let my roots show.

Maybe next time I'll go for a light red-blonde/something really bright.... hmmmm.... Not a bad idea.

Great day to go out and talk to people.
Just for today Iw ill not worry about what people think of me, I will bring myself fully to the situation and not stress about their interpretation of my selfness.

Acting 101, How to Become a Star in a World of Supporting Players

So.... I'm trying to do - no scratch that-

I am doing market research. (just don't want to create more difficulty with my choice of wording)

But, I have been (in the past 2 weeks) getting stalled by fear of talking to people about my business.

For some reason, (past, not present, because as of last night, and today I am actively changing that pattern), I have been struggling with

Fear of Talking About MYself.

Anxiety about what will happen

But I refuse to get stuck in the PAST. Because in the past I curled up in a corner, avoided challenging myself to move beyond my fears. Let past memories and associations hem me in.

Right now I have a 100% Success rate in my surveys. Everyone I have asked for feedback has been very positive. Everyone I h ave asked to fill out a survey has said yes.

So.... I have an 11 out of 11 success rate.

The businesses that I have talked to have been supportive, and 3 out of 3 have offered me space for rent.

So why in the world, do I still feel anxiety?

I can visualize walking up to a person and asking them, and the result is always positive. Regardless of what I do though in my brain, I get stressed when it comes to action. Reading about how to still anxiety doesn't help. In fact I get even more anxious.

So- what can I do to help myself?

Use my own words, my own teachings.

One of the courses I'm planning to run is a workshop called "Acting 101: How to become your own star in a world of supporting players."

The premise of the course is to create a new character for yourself, and to learn how to act AS IF. I designed it specifically for Characters who have difficulty with Ego related living.

Stage one, is to look at the character you think you are right now. To define that character, honestly, and look at what your stage looks like. (what have you brought into your life to support this character)
This also means looking at the differences between the internal voice (your ultimate god self), and your external mortal self.

Stage two is to define a character who you want to be (doesn't have to be permanant, can be a role for just one area of your life). How are you and this character the same? How are they different?

Stage three is to build a bridge between the old and new character. There are a few ways to do this
1. Through the external environment (physical home, people you know/surround yourself with, job, etc.)
2. Through creating new material for yourself (and practicing it on a daily basis)
3. Through your costume and props.

So... having said all of that, where does this leave me?

1. I need to look at the character I am.

In this context, I am a character who is afraid of rejection. I am anxious about the idea of talking to people, because I have had many very negative experiences with both my family and with organizations who have shot down ideas without any real reason to do so.
This means that my ego appearance tends to whisper, I use a quiet voice, I try to smooth the waves.
I dress is colours that will not get me noticed. I don't do much with my hair or clothes, trying to be comfortable, because I don't want to be noticed. So the idea of hiding, while still being out there. So I am hiding in my own skin. Interesting. I wonder if being a grey/smoke is like that.... you choose to pull your energy well within yourself so that you can make a choice, wear dull colours. It isn't until you choose a position that you begin to shine out.... because the light then has a focus. For those of you reading at home wondering what the heck a grey/smoke is..... please check the glossary of terms.

My Goddess/Higher Self, is not a quiet person. She is vibrant, full of life and energy and power. She gets angry at injustice, she can be soft and persuasive at times, but she is compelling, holds strong beliefs and understandings about the universe, and knows how to project and express those knowings.
She knows that she is the ultimate power in the universe- (as are we all, says my small frail ego, just so noone will be offended). And when I compare the two, I see a situation dangerously close to a black hole.

(again, another thought- that the idea of a star collapsing into a black hole, could be used as a metaphor for the process of change from white practitioners to black ones- when we condense all of our power, when we continually try to keep that light from shining outward, and when the external pressures become too much eventually that light source collapses into itself; the result is a person who has great power and influence, but everything is sucked into a black center. You can't see what's inside, but the pull is great- Luke, join the dark side.... For more on Black/white according to my definition, see the glossary.
This of course is metaphorical.... but it leads to a whole other realm of ideas.
Like, if I want to be a star- then do I need to focus my energy outward, focus on expressing the positive, the love, the beauty, the joy inside of myself out into the world? Isn't that the point of the enlightenment center- to allow as many people as possible to do so? Otherwise, we continue to suck ourselves into ourselves, until we are no more?
Like the idea of the universe beginning with a big bang... but that explosion didn't create a new universe, it simply released everything that already was from entrapment. And the question of what happened to the prevous incarnation of the universe that became a black hole? Did it simply collapse inward out of despair, feeding off of itself until? If this was the case, then our own world, our universe as it exists, is it truly simply a case of choosing not to spiral inward, to avoid the desire for self-destruction in order to improve/or change or present course of action? And if we don't change our current choice to suck energy inward, will we too become a black hole, and then later reincarnate as a new universe, continuing a cycle which has gone on forever?)

2. I need to create a new character who wants to go out and talk to people, who has no fear of rejection, who is a sales person, confident, engaging, interested in others, full of gratitude and gifts and the desire to give.
This means letting go of fear of rejection and so on, so that I can expand my light, instead of shrinking it.

So who do I want to be?
See my next post for an answer, I have to meditate on this for a while.