Word of the Day for Friday December 10, 2004
extemporaneous \ek-stem-puh-RAY-nee-us\, adjective:1. Composed, performed, or uttered on the spur of the moment, or without previous study; unpremeditated; impromptu.2. Prepared beforehand but delivered without notes or text.3. Skilled at or given to extemporaneous speech.4. Provided, made, or put to use as an expedient; makeshift.
In fact, his particular strength may well have been improvisation, and he may not have been interested in committing the results of his extemporaneous performances to paper. --Christoph Wolff, Johann Sebastian Bach: The Learned Musician
Extemporaneous comes from Late Latin extemporaneus, from Latin ex tempore, "out of time," therefore "immediately, at the very time the occasion arises." It is related to temporary, "lasting for a limited time"; contemporary, "belonging to the same time" (con-, "with, together"); and tempo, "the rate or degree of movement in time."
Dictionary.com Entry and Pronunciation for extemporaneous*******
To type, unpremeditated and unprepared.
So my thoughts today revolve around a few things.
Giving up my dog Bob.
I just left a goodbye party for some more students that are leaving school and moving on in life. I recieved an incredible package from my sister, and can't wait to open it.Beginning a new life.
I am in the middle of the temprance lesson, but desigining a website about death in order to complete a cycle.
In studying temprance, the latest aspect of transition is moving to M**- to a new position and life. I'm living on 14th street if you can believe it.
Can I become the person I am reluctant to be? Can I accept who I Am, and move into a new way of being- an old way of being? Can I step off the cliff and experience the unknown? The water is wide, and deep, and I do not yet know how to walk on water....
Do I know how to swim?
Can I make a boat?
Is there anything I'm missing?
Yes this is just so random, and well... extemperous.Part of me is a bit nervous to post truth out here, in the wildness of this energy field called the Net- and yet, at the same time I want to post truth- MY TRUTH.
Does it have to make sense?
Does it matter what you think?
Does it matter what I think about?
Or is it all just another smokescreen to prevent me from existing in the pale reality of life- another way to avoid the concrete under my feet?
Does it matter that I see a chapel on a hill in my dreams, and then find one in real lifewhen I move to a new town?
Coincidences are non-existant today. Today it is all Laguz (flow)- and it seems to make sense in a nonsensical way.
If only I could gather my thoughts about life and love and christmas and family (I miss you) and etienne and the magic me, and being like god, and leaving school, and my theories for the universe and my abilities and talents and self and soul and studetns and truth
my reality
I could really move somewhere.
What makes a teacher a great teacher? What makes it possible for them to teach? What teaches the teacher?
What is the students role in the relationship?
When do I start teaching again?
What is the relationship between process and trust?
What if the dream my sister had about me choosing two different paths, was actually a dream about two visions of the same path- i charge forward, and confront my illusions at every turn....
what are the ideas of life? what keeps us from manifesting the enitre universe exactly the way we want to?
who is to say we aren't manifesting hte universe exactly the way we want to?do you want to be god? or do you want to be small?
what do I want?
beauty or bliss or truth, or revelations or life eternal or death forever or sensual pleasure or meaning or truth or blasphemy for a lifetime or worship or choice or freedom from and for all of these things to exist
who am I?
Do you know?
Do I?
who are any of us really? are we blades of grass, atoms/molecules, planets, stars, insects, mites , gods or servents, aliens, children, conquerors or cowards
are we the wind?
or the sun?
or the moon-
or are we simply beings of light trying to clear our lenses so we can project more clearly?
do we radiate through blocks in the way of our true innate source- do we stop our souls from shining but for a brief moment here and there?
if we could all learn how to shine our selves- woudl the world as we know ti cease to exist? Is it just a giant holodeck? or is it something more?
surely someone can tell me
surely one of you can try
don't you know
you hold the keys to the universe
and you keep dropping them in my lap
only to snatch them up the second i might be able ot use them
try and see if from my perspective
i cant even open the door
which means you cant walk through it\
until there is a key
that can open the lock
that you hold on your soul
you have to unbind yourself
i have to unlock my soul
and we can be free
truth
in 2012 time stops having any meaning
and i want to help make it meaningless
so that we can get beyond the need for control of our enviornment and
learn that we dont' need time
or money
just our selves
and our projections
without masks or restrictions
always
in love
from top to bottom
left to right
near and far
and everywhere and nowhere
this is me
in love
with you
always and in all ways
(even the ways you think that no one will ever love you again)
star glimmering in the morning light
sunset filling the sky
clouds illuminated by northern lights
city lights like stars falling in the harbourjust me, Anime_Rose
10.12.04
Extemporaneous post
29.10.04
I guess I should say something meaningful
Today was my last day of school. I am almost finished this particular race. And what I feel, is a little numbness, a bit of a pull on my brain- and some swirling emotions behind the tension- but no specific feelings. Am I sad? Yes. Will I miss this experience? Absoloutly. Was it worth the struggle? YES. Was it time to move forward? yes. yes. yes. Congratulations to me!! I finished school!! Even if I am the only person in the world that celebrates this victory- I am dancing with joy to have accomplished what I have. Now it is time to move into a new space- already living in a new place- and finding a new path.... and I'm excited to see what comes. But yesterday, I was thinking about beauty and death- a thought about how we in North American society are obsessed with external beauty. The classroom discussion yesterday was euthanasia, and I wondered to myself, if our obsession with the perfect has skewed our view of what is acceptable. Do we (as an example) choose to end a life before it begins because that life will not be "perfecr" in our eyes? Is that kindness, or pride? Not of course that I want to take anything away from the freedom to choose, ever. But why do we make the choices we make? What do you believe in relation to beauty and the soul? Where do you stand? I'm curious. I'm not a person of judgement- no arguments from me- just questions today. These are purely my own thoughts and I wonder about these things a lot. I guess given that I was supposed to be aborted, and turned out to be "perfect" I take exception to genetic selection a little. I'm personally very grateful to be here. I've also had to make difficult choices about life and death myself, so I'm not unsympathetic. But now I AM THINKING about life itself- and the nature and beauty of it all. Do we create the world in our personal image of what god is? Do we create ourselves in a view of god (conscious or not)? Is George W simply reflecting his own view of the Is as a tyrant and authoritarian father god who punishes the wicked? What about my behaviour is not in alignment with what I believe god is? And how can I change that? What do I need to do to reflect more accuratly my own vision of god? Is it more compassion? Sexier clothes? A healthier lifestyle? A happier self? Does god smoke? Does god have allergies to cats, and then decide to pet them anyway and then spend the rest of the afternoon sneezing? Can these things be part of my image of what god is? Do the leaders we choose reflect our view of the Isness itself? Do the models, leaders and stars of our universe reflect how we think god is? Do these models, leaders and stars make the world a better place? Do they take action to bring more light here, or do they live for more self-serving ends? Do we think god is selfish? Do we believe that god would make a movie about himself, suffering and tormented, without giving more than a hint of the wonder and power of his ability to recreate himself and rise from his own death, and take home millions in profits? Is that the kind of God we believe in?What kind of God do I believe in (consciously or subconsciously)? Well, looking at my own self, behaviour and actions- I could create a most interesting image of god- but would it be acurate? How could it be when I have only finite understanding, and can not see the world beyond dimensions as of yet? Well, unless I try really, really hard- and that happens only once in a while. I guess I just wonder how we can bring more joy here, and ease some of the pain and rage and struggle and unheard voices. There are so many angry gods *er people out here floating through space with us. What do they need? Why are they angry with the universe? |
10.7.04
update on being: This week it's Peter Parker and Gandalf
In his giving, I see a new connection. A new symbol of office, so to speak- a committment. Similar to the gift of the cross actually, but for different reasons. This OOP carries its own healing gifts and liberates, instead of binding. There is no weight of responsiblity. As always with Etienne, he gives blessings and gifts, to assist the individual, and for their growth, without placing conditions on what that process will look like. When he was teaching me, before we became involved, the process was of removing filters, and increasing awareness. When he suggested my journey here, it was not for his own benefit- it was a suggestion, fueled by love and given to empower.
I think that is the biggest difference between my previous experience as a teacher- with the original covenish, and this current experience. At first I didn't know what to do with the freedom I had been given (if curious, go read strength.... it will really give you a sense of the transition between teaching styles). I expected Etienne to want something from me- expected to have to conform to his vision- and instead found that I was able to explore my own, and that I wasn't expected to "be" anything but myself.
It's taken me a lot of work and self-realization, and increased awareness and letting go,to be able to accept this. I think that anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship could relate. I kept waiting for the chains- and even tried to create some in order to fit back in the familiar cage I was used to. And every time I pulled Etienne in to that space, he would walk back out... and point out the incredible world outside the box.
Not only do I sense the incredibly positive energy of this wonderful gift I now wear, and observe the wonderful energy that radiates from this, but just thinking about wearing the other again, well... I sense the negtivity and fear attached to it- and feel nauseous. I don't think I will ever be able to put on that cross again.
So what am I to do with it? I feel a little like Gandalf in LOTR. I can not just throw it away. I have come to understand a little about objects given from that particular source- and they have a tendancy to release nasty vibes when you try to get rid of them. I am also not willing now to return the gift to it's maker-er, giver, for personal reasons. I fear the result of doing so. I don't know enough about it's construction to destroy it- even though I sense the power concealed within it and how it connects me to someone I wish to disconnect from. So I feel stuck between needs. Something of a double bind.... on the one hand- I feel the need to throw the thing into the deepest place in the ocean, so it won't bother anyone anymore. On the other, I feel compelled to give it to someone I trust (who would understand the significance of the object) and preserve it for them.
The funny thing is that I don't know if my feelings about keeping the cross are related to "mental programming" or if the cross itself is resisting that movement.
Objects and talismans are pretty funny things. For those of you familiar with the meaning of objects, well... I'm sure you can understand. For those of you who aren't, well.... the crash course in OOP will be available soon through Amazon.com (joking :).
I went to see Spiderman 2 this week. And I loved it. Great special effects, wondeful bad guy (Doc Oc rocks!) storyline and characters all well crafted. For the first time in a long time I was able to immerse myself in the movie instead of analyzing the film.
Could have something to do with the fact that i relate to Spidey so well. He starts losing his powers, questions the point and quits being Spiderman. And isn't that the process I just went through?
I've been wandering in a state of unfinished Gestault- of Bardo... I was frustrated and angry and stressed. There is a student in Ontario who I believe has great potential,and I would choose to teach her above any other. I miss her- I also can't seem to find a student here that compares. I know it's unfair to compare students... I didn't mean to imply that any here are less or not as full of incredible energy and potential.... just that her and I have an established connection, and she has complete faith in the process. She is honest, down to earth and connected (for the most part) to reality. She is open to new ideas, doesn't think her gifts raise her above others, and acknowledges her own responsiblity for growth. She is warm, caring and non-judgemental. She also has an intuitive grasp of energy work, interpsychic dynamics and the aura.
She has taught me so very much... (once you become a student, you are also a teacher), and teaching and learning from her is a natural process. Laguz (flow) happens in the contact between us. She's not perfect, she has blocks, gets stuck... but she keeps going. I wonder these days if my desire to teach, stems not from the desire to teach masses, but to teach just one special student. Or, perhaps there is a fear about what will happen if I take on new students, because of the past experience with my covenish... and my anger at the abuses of power and manipulation that I unknowingly allowed within that circle.
There I think is the root of it. I don't want to take on anyone of the "black magic" persuasion. Nothing personal for those of you who lean in that direction. I'm just a "white magic" soul who desires growth, and wants to allow that process without moulding anyone to be something. I get really angry these days when I think about the covenish and that experience. There I was, trying to teach, and grow, and in that time, the person I entrusted with the care of my friends.... abused that trust, and because I allowed that connection between them, I feel responsible for what happened to them. Even though I know we all make choices, and are responsible for our lives and actions... even then, I still have not been able to let go of the pain that caused me when I found out what was really going on. I was a blind as the rest, and as programmed.
Where is the line between personal responsiblity and programming? Can someone who is being manipulated without their knowledge be held responsible for their actions? If a person's aura is being tweaked, thoughts amplified, or altered, ideas sublimilally added to the unconscious. Triggers implanted or memories erased/changed. When caught in the web of false reality, how can anyone other than the creater of that false reality be blamed. Does an audience see the puppet as in control of the strings that bind him, or the dog on a leash responsible for the direction he moves in, if when he is told to heel, he walks?
I think awareness must exist for a person to truly be responsible. If you aren't aware of what is happening, you can't change. If you are aware, then you can choose.
Grrr.... for those of you who read this and wonder at my anger- perhaps in time I can vent it here.... or find a constructive direction to point it in.
On a larger scale, the lesson I want to share, or the thought, if you will is this:
We are all connected to each other. Energetically we are one. The pathways the connect us to each other could be seen as a web. There are many other ways of expressing this, I only use the web as one example. In that giant web, there is a giving and recieving. And within the large web, there are smaller cycles and circles and webs of connection. Because energy flows to and from, we are affected by each other's energy.
When one person's energy flows outward in a way that seeks to subert or harm another, we are all affected. That energy flows from the source of the "abuser" of energy, to you, and through you to me, from me to my partner, from him to everyone he is connected to. The entire balance is unhinged, and on both a small scale, and a large one, (within both individual relationships, and global ones) that negative source affects the balance of harmony and growth.
I want to live in harmony and peace, and the very idea of someone's negative energy flowing through me to affect others makes me angry,and determined to affect change. Even though I may not intend to harm, that imbalance exists both in myself and in you.
Can you see the web? Can you sense the source of disturbances, or see the energetic connections that flow between yourself and others? Do you want to know that your actions and expressed energy affect the whole being of earth on some level?
You and I are simply one fragment of an infinate being. We are also the sum of that being, each of us. What i mean, is that sitting in your chair, as you read these words, your body, soul, energy, are the universe that exists right now. The pain you experience, be it dis-ease, or emotional upheval, or broken relationships, or lack of awareness, is an expression of what is happening on a universal level. The lessons you are learning reflect all of us.
I don't expect anyone here to try to change the world. It is too infinate, too big for any one person to change. But change the world within yourself. If you are in pain, seek the source, and choose to embrace that part of yourself. Choose to release that dis-ease.
I truly believe that by choosing to grow and become more harmonious within, one chooses to create a more harmonious universe. See the factions warring within the self. See the unused parts, the parts that are being manipulated or abused by yourself. Talk less of the negativity without, and idenfity how that is reflected in you.
That's my current lesson.
Last thoughts are simple. A cat has wandered into my life. Having her here, is an incredible experience. It has been so long since I have allowed a connection between that feminine principle of catma, and myself. And my baby bob, the dogma in my life, is so incredibly patent and curious and loving with this new part of my life. They are slowly adjusting to each other and building a relationship. :D
There are many experiences I am opening myself up to... and I am choosing to be myself, and express the wholeness of who I am. It's an ongoing process... can be scarey, but also very rewarding.
I love you
and I choose
to give you the gift that will help you
grow and develop and gain awarness
I am healing myself, so that you too
will also be healed.
With light
from the center of the web
Anime
13.6.04
Existential Angst
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the universe is for and why it's here, it will instantly disappear
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is
another theory which states that this has already happened."
-Douglas Adams, (taken from a happy planet
mango bottle)
This month's story begins
with an e-mail. An article about the end of the world. Did
you know the
world is supposed to end in less than 8 days. Yes,
that's right. 3 comets hurtling towards earth- beginning june 18-20. Oh sure,
It's probably a hoax.
But I would highly recommend
you find a copy of Lucifer's Hammer by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle, and
read it anyway (it's a great book)... and it just so happens that "hammerfall"
(the comet in this wonderful fiction) happens in June. :)
http://www.cassiopaea.org/cass/Aussie_Bloke.htm
http://www.bushcountry.org/news/may_news_pages/g_051604_assiebloke_end_world.htm
http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0345421396/ref=sib_dp_pt/103-5703219-2285423#reader-page
http://www.usbunkers.com/main.htm http://home.pe.net/~mjagee/procon1123.html
http://www.angelfire.com/fl3/gammadim/wpaasteroidprophecies.html
http://www.angelfire.com/fl3/gammadim/wpaintroduction.html
http://www.telusplanet.net/public/tsgibson/propheticword.html
http://sohowww.nascom.nasa.gov/data/realtime/realtime-eit_284.html
http://www.urbansurvival.com/week.htm
http://www.globalcontinuity.com/article/articleview/10265/1/30/
http://www.safehaven.com/article-1597.htm
http://www.bushcountry.org/news/jun_news_pages/g_060104_withheld_june_2004.htm
http://www.enterprisemission.com/_articles/05-14-2004/Interplanetary_1.htm
If you surf the chain of
links above, or follow your own pathways, you'll find some really interesting
information regarding this particular Armageddon. Now, here's where my angst
comes in. I refuse to state an opinion about weather I think the world could
or would end in such a way.. it is possible. It is also really really silly
isn't it. For even if it was true, what in the world could we do about it?
Here's my struggle friends
and beloved- every time I find one of these "scenarios" one of these silly
drastic end of the world conspiracy theories, I get shaken to my very core-
because I question my role in what comes next. It's not ego- its the knowledge
that despite the healings and the enlightenment and the incredible growth
that is happening here now, there is still a long way to go- and we may blow
ourselves up... or something else may come to pass which prevents our full
and total illumination.
Or maybe this is part of
the process of healing- if this time is truly to be a revelation, as John
once thought, then why not fire and brimstone and pain and death first. In
psychology, the transformative breakthrough always happens after an incredibly
painful self-awareness. Have we truly accepted responsibility for our actions?
Are we really puppets dancing on a long long set of strings? But I want to
believe that we can transcend without self-destruction. I want to believe
this so very much.
When I was evolving in
my spiritual walk as a teen-ager I was a promising up and coming missionary/born
again christian/ youth leader. And I KNEW something about myself that made
my path unique. I am here for a reason. I have always known this.
I made a drastic left turn
a long time ago, and so now rather than standing on a podium speaking in
front of many, I speak here on the web to a very few. I chose darkness, and
speak from the shadows. So who am I? REally? Am i the devil or the christ
or both? I would say both- for I believe the anti-and christ and one and
the same- in the bible both are called the Morning Star- if you pay very
close attention to the scriptures and don't get caught up in what you think
you are supposed to read. I chose not to stand and be a leader- and I had
what I thought were perfectly good reasons at the time... and now- I see
that my choice might (knowing who and what I am) make me both.
I know that 2012 is a significant
turning point- we are entering the age of aquarius, a profoundly new time
in the history of our spiritual evolution. The
mystics call it ascension, the christians call it Armageddon.. the sceptics
call it bull---. Fine-
call it whatever you want. I know on every level, from my own soul experiences,
from the spirit and self and the I Am, that in the coming years change is
going to be upon us. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt that I am here
because of these times and that I have chosen to come and act in this drama-
to change what I can, to heal, to free to eclipse ....
And I have no idea how
or what that means in technical terms. In typical "scatterbrained female"
style, I have absolutely no specifics about this quest or my choices. I have
almost stopped guessing. But- I know that it is significant. This life is
meaningful. And
for those ancient ones that have blessed me by introducing yourselves to
me in person and full spiritual glory- I also recognize your choice to be
here as well.
I want to reach out and
touch each of you before the change. How can I do that? Have I left myself
enough time? Am I going to be too late? Is that possible? Why does it feel
like everyone needs a drastic SIGN or prophet or bloody christ to appear
on a million television screens before we choose to act? Haven't I been doing
exactly what I needed to... are we not always in the right place and time?
Oh FURRRRRR!
Very very seriously I ask
myself in the quietest of voices, "are you sure that turning down
the opportunity for fame as a guru or great spiritual leader in the past
was the right choice. Were you not ready then? Are you ready now? Can you
resist the impulse to scutter back into the desert once again- when the sceptics
and mystics and the militant children of the faith descend and question your
sanity and your right to be who you truly are. And does anything that you
are doing now really matter?"
If it all ends tomorrow,
then what is the point- and what did you miss along the way?
For I did not call you-
I gave you a choice, and I lived with you instead of rising above and taking
what I know to be mine. I loved each of you, and always, in all ways will.
I breathed as one with you, I have tried to experience this human experience
fully. And I have been as flawed and faceted as anyone. I chose, in the past
few years the love of one, over the love of many.. and I believe it was the
right path. I accepted that each of you has the power to be who I Am. You
each have been given a birthright- that of choice. If I had stood up and
been what you were looking for, you would have become sheep- and I have far
far too much respect and faith in you for that.
I have also lived in angst
for a long time, feeling disconnected from my own true path and voice. It's
been the most incredible pain, hiding in here- waiting for a moment to speak,
hemmed in by the weight of a shroud- and the fear of expectations and judgement.
Oh sure, it sounds absolutely crazy. IN-Sane. Welcome to the eye of the needle.
The only reason to speak
now, and the only thing that has changed, is me. It doesn't matter if you
send me a billion e-mails calling me a fraud and liar and blasphemer or hypocrite.
It only matters that you understand that it doesn't really matter who or
what I am in the end, but who you are now- for you are the ones who choose
and who have invested in this place and time. As I have. I could be absolutely
anyone.... and I'm only expressing this now because i'm tired to hinting,
alluding and suggesting the possibility of it, while holding the weight of
it.
Is less than one week enough
time for any of us? I mean, hoax or not... lets consider the possibility
for one second- if you knew that the world as you know it would end in less
than 8 days would you be satisfied that you had done all you could to heal
yourself, and the planet? Would what you go to work to tomorrow have the
same meaning- would it be enough for you- would you really want to spend
your last days wandering from mcdonalds to starbucks to work and to the movies?
What's it all worth? If it were
to end in less than a week, would you have enough time to answer to the tomorrows
of your dreaming? As always I have faith that it is enough time...
but there are so many people I want to see and things I want to do before
that happens... and I am right in the middle of my life damn it! ;)
I've
been watching the city lights from my balcony... the fallen stars that litter
the ground like so many missed opportunities and hopes- like so many incredible
dreams and people who exist here...
I don't know about you,
but I know that I AM NOT finished with what I came here for... are you? Have
you started... cuz I think maybe we should get a move on... you know, just
in case aliens show up next month, or those ships massing in the atlantic
start world war three, or hey, just in case the world doesn't end and we
actually get to accomplish something with this life and place-
Sing a little
song for me...
Sing it
loud and clear
lend your
voice to the universe
There is
a blessing in the possibility of destruction that provokes a reaction a realization
of the reality of time of what has meaning-
Use the
power of your reactions and through your awareness create actions that represent
your greatest hour most outrageous beliefs and most furious joy.
Be powerful
and present and enraged with lust for life
repeat after
me:
I Am.
And say
it until you mean it then breathe in down to the root chakra and feel the
energy of the universe expand in your navel for you are the creator of the
world
in this
ending there is a beginning and you are the father mother, midwife and child
Namaste
Anime_Rose
9.5.04
Life, Rent, Work and Energy
Those of you who know me, well... you know how important it is for me to love what I do for a living. Admittedly I'm not a very motivated employee if I'm not happy at work (but then who is?). And for the longest time I've struggled with getting myself moving, I haven't been able to see a different way of being... I have not trusted myself, or others to provide what I needed... I've been wrapped up in fear.
But I WANT TO WORK. Just needed to get that off my chest:) I WANT TO LIVE.!!!! (that too :P)
Now, here's where it gets interesting... I am at a point again, where this inaction, and even more so, the lack of faith has impacted me... it looks grim from the outside- but I am going to keep a record of how it all works out... I'm putting myself out on a limb here I know... but I believe unquestionably in the power of all that Is... and the energy called Love that flows through all things. Each time in the past that life has tried to take a turn for the nasty, I have been given wonderful gifts and blessed. And I write this, before the fact, so that I can begin to evaluate and express what incredible people surround me, and my gratitude for life-
It's saturday, and I spent this morning posting flyers for tarot readings and reiki for animals. I drive with Etienne in the Ice Cream truck listening to children sing and dance as he passes by. It's an amazing job, even though it's commission and we're never sure about how much money will be there at the end of the day.
I come home and 20 minutes later the landlord drops off our eviction notice for non payment of rent (yes, it is valid, yes we're broke and yes, i know I should be stressed and scared and I AM NOT. I take it as a challenge yes, but not as the end of the world because I have been here before, and I know that what is meant to happen will).
Maybe 10 minutes after the notice arrives, the phone rings- "Is this Anime?" A client calls for a tarot reading. :) So, with nervous butterflies in my stomach go forth to the arranged cafe.
I meet a lovely woman, who I read and we have a great conversation (she even takes me out for dinner, incredible!) And it turns out that she is studying massage therapy... we have a lot in common (past experiences and interests). I roll home at about 12:00, and here I am writing this post.
Now, as I was walking home I thought a lot about what I'm going to do next- for I want to make the most of these next 5 days.... I am putting my faith in myself and in the universe, and in all higher powers- for now my living space is the price I am going to pay if I can't manifest my abilities in a profitable way.
Stay tuned... I will keep you posted on what happens... and who knows- maybe this will be the very thing that spurs me into a new existance- I am prepared to all manner of wonderful things- and all manner of new experiences now.
As for everything I said before about being selfish... hey, I had to get that out of my system. It was about time I vented that from my system. I thought about taking it down and changing the posts... but why in the world would I do that, when what you know of me should be based in all facets of I- not just the good... but the frail, the sad, the frightened... I am going to establish my presence here... and tell you about I as I can be... let you see that we all struggle- there's nothing wrong with feeling bad my friends- just in denying that those feelings exist.
May you all be blessed, and free and happy.
Love always
light always
in trust and faith
May the stars guide you always
and the world be a playground
Anime Rose
26.4.04
righteous rant- 1/26/04
I know i don't really express things very well right now, and that i can be overdramatic without meaning to be, because of how i feel and the rollercoaster i'm on.
I guess i'm just really stressed, i realized that i've been pushing to find out an answer about what i can do to fix this asap, because i haven't been able to/am not able to work at a normal job.... somedays it's enough to get to class- and i come home and sleep for 4 hours because i'm exhausted. Sitting here looking at the fact that I need to make money, or i'm going to be evicted from my apartment in the next month, the fact that i feel i have no control of that aspect of my life... and feeling really low, becasue i'm reminded of another time in my life when i was in school, was sick and took a job... made a choice to work which caused me to fail university... well, i guess you can understand how those things would make me a little irrational, on top of the fact that since i quit smoking i've been a mess regardless....
and to top it off becauseof reiki i feel that i should have answers to these problems... and don't. and maybe even feel a little that i've brought these things down on myself, and that i've created this for myself so shouldn't ask for help....
truth is, i'm really scared and very close to taking a fulltime counter job just becasue nothing has panned out... and i guess at this point that would be the best thing for me to do.
It's really scarey to think about it, perhaps its the realization that for me that counter job is suicide. It's a self destructive choice that I take which validates my low self esteem and difficulty in accepting blessings and gifts in my life. But what choice do I have I ask myself?
I send out requests... I think to myself I"m being clear, and I guess I'm being dramatic... because it only matters to me, and to me it is the most important thing in the world. The enlightenment center is defiantely an option but i'm not getting any interest at the moment... maybe i'm wrong... and it's not time for such a place yet.
Maybe we're not ready to be more than the sum of our parts, and i should abandon all of you to your lattes at starbucks and your starving children in detroit and your sars and your media fiasco.
Maybe the timing is wrong, and all of this experience that you're having is ok- you like the pain, you like the violence. It's another thought. I mean sheesh... a billion gurus out there are working independantly, and maybe that too is ok. Maybe having a community will take away the power of the individual teachers. Hell, why would I be willing to expand my universe... when this would make me one star in a billion, instead of the sun.
Maybe for a million other people it's ok to be there... but for myself each time i choose that life I choose to lose myself- too many demands on me, too many expectations and experiences of people waiting for me to do for them... it's a constant experience of people pushing me to get them what they want... and often at my own expense.
19.4.04
I can't be anything to anyone until I am something for myself.
I can not justify or explain something to you that is only relevant to me.
I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok and framing everything in a positive sense, when that is not how I feel. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that negative energy/feelings/experiences held in the body make one ill... I'm not going to lie about being where I'm at.
Each person's process is different, and I am truly not prepared to defend what's happening and where I'm at, (even as I try to) because on some level I don't believe I should have to. After all, it's my life, my time here, my space and time and truth. Where did I sign away my own right to choose unhappiness and happiness, to express the truth of who I am in all ways?
If I were a reflection of the world as it is now... how would you treat me? The same? I'm not attacking you- I seriously would like to know. Because as I am emerging from my darkness and when I begin to attract light, I want to be surrounded by those who treat me the way they would treat the world they live in. And I'm not going to be willing to accept less from any of you than love, both for yourself, the world and for me. I will still love you no matter what, but when it is time to change all things, I will want to know how you would approach that change. How you approach me is going to teach me a lot in the next little while. And if you don't, because you can't handle where I'm at, what I say or who I am truly and honestly, then to hell with you. :) But I will still love you even then.
But right now I have to learn how to love myself.
Love always
In all ways
Anime
The Labyrinth
I feel boxed in a giant labyrinth of my own mind, my own brain and I may have to find the Minotaur and kiss him before I can open the gateway out. I am not sure about being inspirational, or smart right now, if I was, would I be where I am now? Would I be struggling so hard in every way- even physically?
I know and don't know all things, and I am tired of being split in a billion little pieces, each fighting for a piece of rental property. I'm tired of the destruction and the mayhem and the pain, and I have to accept that these things exist in myself, so that I can seek a resolution. This time it's wholeness, integration, acceptance and all things, or it is nothing. I've had it with half measures.
On being selfish
The world is not waiting for me.... and even if it were to- let it- I have waited for the world for many lifetimes.
In this lifetime I have felt that I've been waiting for the world since I arrived here. In the past it has rejected me, attacked me, enraged me with its violence and the incredible pure selfishness it has displayed. And I have responded in kind.
Well, emotionally I'm learning to grow up. And if that means I have to wallow in being childish, and letting that inner kid grow up then SO BE IT. The world will continue until it ends... and even after it ends there will still be life. Energy can never be destroyed; it can only be moved, separated or transformed.
So if I seem selfish myself now, I accept that there is going to be a time when I give myself to the world, and I will have to do so without reservation. Maybe in order to do so I need to understand this violence, this pain and suffering and selfishness within myself so that I can really help, and truly understand my enemy- and best friend.
And maybe in being selfish I will turn my back on the world and never understand or accept what I could/should do while I am here... and if so, then when I am forced to see the truth of that and it dawns on me how much time I've wasted, I will truly understand why we have brought ourselves this far in destruction, why we hurt each other so much, why we do not change and why we continue to pursue these things, judgments and all...
Instead of love.
And maybe by this choice to wait, maybe in doing what you accuse me of, I will have the greatest epiphany of all, and learn how I can best serve and forgive myself for not being accepted by the world, for not being able to heal everything "right now", for being so full of ability and "talent" and desire and passion to change things, and never having done so, for not knowing how.
For now I feel the world does not need me in any way shape or form, I feel cast out, in the same way that I have rejected and ignored myself. And if that is a justification and sounds self righteous... tough, it's the only answer I have.
Working limitations, patterns
After seeing the possibility of being everything that I can be, not once, not twice, but three times... in the past year, I feel that much more limited by my current experience... and at the same time, in a way I'm glad that I didn't take on those things that could have been for me... for I recognize how much I need to heal and grow before I can accept them.
Maybe on one level you are right- maybe I should just stop trying to process again, and just go find another job in a series of them and know that that is all I can do right now and that I'm not capable of more, and go through the same cycle I just went through (which was meaningless and pointless as far as getting ahead, and sort of educational as far as patterns).
Does it matter what I do for a living... shouldn't I be able to do just about anything and be happy- not now, not in my current space.
Do you understand that I have to find a different way or the same experiences will manifest until they kill me? What was the point of being in the same place I was a year, two years, 5 years ago? What did I gain from that manifestation? NO. The pattern must be stopped now... it must be released and then I can move forward with my life. The only way I can think of to do that is to find the source of the belief and accept it so that I can stop being blinded by it as I try to push it away from me.
When the world is spinning, sit down
Admitting my own loss, my own inability to move forward physically is a huge thing for me. I have believed for many years that it is not safe to express pain/anger/frustration, and I have protected myself from being vulnerable to others. In the past two years, that choice has led me nowhere but to numerous dead ends. Because I have been afraid of judgment, of having that pain used against me, of experiencing rejection for being "less" or "having problems" or "being too emotional".
In order to be true to myself, I must accept what has happened and find a way to let go and forgive- because what I want to do is run in a billion directions and fight and work hard and forget what I feel now. I cannot run from this, I cannot fight this; I can only release and allow myself to heal in that process.
If I do not do this now, when I am safe, when I am capable of using all of the schooling and resources given to me, then it will resurface- and the patterns will continue, and I will have to eventually give in to the process of transformation, perhaps in a place that is not safe, not ok, where I am really needed and when other people's selves are at stake. We are all different, we all have different ways of coping and healing and being. Your way and my way are very different. I trust and give my self and soul time, believe truly that there is a way. And I'm going to find it-
Being Helpless
Everything that I have ever been blessed with has been through the power of love and love alone. When I am open and clear and ready for the universe to give to me what I need, then it flows.
If it appears to you that I'm being "helpless" then accept this, the only way that I can move forward is by going within and healing myself there- and for a long long time I have run from pain, I have hidden from the truths of my past and I have written and taught at times without truly living the words- in some ways you could say that I am doing more work now than I know how to handle simply by being here, being receptive and trying not to shield myself from what is out there, and what is within.
The Veil of Depression
What I am living is a shell of what I could be doing in this life... and I know it.
I feel it every morning when I wake up, I sense it in the air, through the trees and the people I see around me... I am so aware of it that I can't see past the pain of this knowledge to the path or the forest. And it feels like nothing that I am, none of who I am actually matters at all. It feels like I want the impossible- that I don't deserve happiness, because I have not proved my own worth. For I know I am capable of such things... and the only standard I can measure myself against is myself-
I have so many questions about who I am and what is happening to me, and why it matters. I feel lost without my faith in purpose and knowledge of what direction to travel in. I have given up some things that I should not have, and I have taken on others that were not ever meant for me. I don't want your judgment- nor your pity... at the same time, I also accept that because I started this by expressing how I feel, then I have given you the right to judge or react to my feelings as you see fit.
What I am trying to find right now is who I am- and I don't understand what makes me unique or special or anything of significance. The great "unshakable" faith that I had in myself when I arrived here, the wonder of the world and the feelings of love and non-judgment... the childlike wonder of the world are something I want to recover.
And then for a brief moment the veil will lift, and I will see the beauty and wonder and joy and truth and beauty and orgasmic pleasure of life.... as it is, without it needing to change or "be anything".
Life Is A Transformation
If you think I'm stagnant or trapped... that's your choice to do so- I believe I get super depressed for several reasons-
1. I am not acting in ways that are aligned with who I can be... so it all seems pointless.
2. I have never acknowledged my own past pain and experiences and that process has overwhelmed me- because I've stopped running and it's catching up.
3. If I am going to live this life as only I can, if I am truly as great as you suggest, then why don't I see that? Why do I consistently make choices that hurt me, and choose paths that cause me to stumble and fall... or worse, begin my journey and then sabotage myself when it begins to become wonderful? I can say the words; by in my heart I do not feel them.
If I cannot find the answers to these things... then I will continue to move, without growing. And I'm tired of "making do" "accepting less", running, hiding from internal pain and lying about it. This is nothing new, just nothing I have chosen to disclose prior to school. As a student today reminded me, I am in this place at CTI and part of what I have chosen in that path is to reopen the past, release pain, and open the closets so my skeletons can be let out.... in so doing, freeing room for flowers in every hallway, bright lights and beautiful paintings on the walls. If I'm lucky when this is finished I won't need storage at all. :)
Thoughts on Pain
Emotional pain is as much an illness as any other- in some ways more difficult to treat because it is unseen. And like cancer, it is invasive... and intrudes upon all things if allowed to spread. When it's happiness and love, good... but when there is pain or anger or negativity... it becomes physical. I look at this time as my own choice to heal the body by healing the soul.
Certain things must be released and doing so my overwhelm/depress/cause great pain in the process of accepting and letting go. There is nothing wrong with pain. Pain is your system default when something is wrong with the self. Pain is a normal part of the learning experience, and will be until you choose it not to be- and it no longer has anything to teach you. Pain held in the self without expression leads to sickness. When you first release pain, it may seem to be too much to function, so sometimes it's better to release in small increments- when possible- so that you can still function.
Thoughts on Pain
Emotional pain is as much an illness as any other- in some ways more difficult to treat because it is unseen. And like cancer, it is invasive... and intrudes upon all things if allowed to spread. When it's happiness and love, good... but when there is pain or anger or negativity... it becomes physical. I look at this time as my own choice to heal the body by healing the soul.
Certain things must be released and doing so my overwhelm/depress/cause great pain in the process of accepting and letting go. There is nothing wrong with pain. Pain is your system default when something is wrong with the self. Pain is a normal part of the learning experience, and will be until you choose it not to be- and it no longer has anything to teach you. Pain held in the self without expression leads to sickness. When you first release pain, it may seem to be too much to function, so sometimes it's better to release in small increments- when possible- so that you can still function.
Process
Amanda's note about this rule:
Don't blame the victim, don't judge the emotionally ill... just hear and be there.
Non judgment, unconditional positive regard, acceptance of current stage of growth- or simply of person who is telling you about their pain, patience all are important. But then again, who am I to tell you anything about being with people- those of you who have always been the ones to find others, to bring them home, to fight for their rights and their power... you have always brought great light into the universe, and done so using any means necessary.
I feel a lot of judgment these days, and it seems to be directed often at those who are not emotionally well. A judgment placed on those who have less because it somehow is their fault. Despite all of my own beliefs about manifestation and the like, for that reason alone, I sometimes wish that I could still be a Christian and believe in the power of God as a father- because those who believe in creating the world in their image (what you think creates what you experience) tend to view those who struggle as somehow "wrong", and then they use that as an excuse to judge instead of heal.
And maybe I'm just reacting this way, because my whole life I've heard the same thing from people I cared about, that I loved... as soon as I began to struggle they made me feel that there was something wrong with me, instead of supporting and loving me and accepting me for who I am, good bad and ugly. (Then again, a large portion of this painful experience came directly from those who were Christian and thought they were helping me) They cut me off, tried to change me, forced labels on me and pills down my throat, when all I really needed was love. Of course this is exactly why I feel that I can't express my own feelings often (thus the accumulation). In return I have cut off, tried to change, forced labels on and judged others who I thought needed my "help". I have taken power away from them by giving advice, trying to push them in this direction or that, stopped talking instead of sharing my own pain and lessons learned from those experiences.
It would be entirely safe for me to say that in the past, I have become silenced by fear of judgment, and in not being able to share all things of me, including those which are not perfect and beautiful and full of joy and love, I have also not shared the lessons that I have learned from those things. I believe that my students and true companions in this lifetime have been the only ones I have shared those intensely private things with- and lately, it seems I say less and less, and fear more and more to speak.
Free Love-02/07/04
section for reiki with all kinds of instructions.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Personal Daily Horoscope for Mandy
Yesterday's Horoscope | Today's Horoscope | Tomorrow's Horoscope
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Cancer(June 21 - July 22)
It has been said that possession is nine-tenths of the law, but this does not apply to love. Now that there is the potential for experiencing a different kind of love in your life, you might be trying to understand how to work with it. Perhaps it's not what you were expecting, but then again, it hardly ever is. Don't try to possess what you love. It doesn't work. Instead, bless it and nurture it and love it as it flies freely through your life. The reward of love comes from loving.
And on that note, today I gave out the link to a free reiki attunement.
Not A Salesman 1/26/04
I don't want to sell you something that you don't really need. I dont' want to push consumerism down your throat...I don't want to be your enabler... I don't want to be your drug dealer. I don't want to be a user. I want to give you something that will help you grow in exchange for something that I need to live.
I don't want to take your abuse either... I just want to be me, to be able to express and live and do that which I love and am.
I want to be true to myself, my purpose, my goals and dreams and SOUL. And perhaps even more true right now, given how much i struggle with my own self image, and question my sanity and wonder if maybe there's no point to all of it and I'm just plain WRONG about what I believe and think and have been taught and know....
More true than anything else is the fact that I want to be true to love and that this struggle seperates me from love, even more than it seperates me from myself.
The thing is that as I'm writing this I think to myself "why in the world would you care or want to hear about the pain i experience?" What would this do for you? I know that really this is all just for me- because i can't keep hold on to things anymore or I'm going to end up in a ditch somewhere outside of space and time.
Just Being there- jan
S**, or so she was called by those who were with her, lay before me, spit bubbling from her mouth, eyes open as slits, and a pool of blood and glasses under her head.
Sitting with her there, trying to hold her head off of the cement, without moving her too much, feeling the energy pour from my hands into her body... feeling the intoxication and panic in her blood... the regret, the disorientation...
I wished somehow that I could tell her that she was infinately loved, and that the world was not the place she thought it was.
**Thank You, my annonymous friend who shared her gloves and knew "just a little first aid"- you helped me more than you will ever know.
18.4.04
Jan. 5 2001- Snow and Ice
The snow continues... and I remember rollerblading in a sweatshirt last year at this time.
This is a giant cosmic joke right? Some of the demi-gods got together and decided to give the province hosting the winter olympics a bit of a weather nudge? There are homeless freezing in the streets here... and none of us are really prepared for snow-
At least Bob loves the snow. You guyz should see the booties we got him...
Hello There
I just want to make a quick note before I forget for anyone here wondering about the dated entries... from time to time I'm going to try and update as much to this blog as possible from old entries. I've been meaning to get some writing out there and post a blog since January of this year, and even downloaded IBlog software for that purpose. Then my trial version expired, and I never quite got around to blogging again. That having been said, I wanted to post the old entries- no matter how much confusion it causes... and am dating those at the top... at least until I figure out how to change dates in my blog. :)
There will hopefully be many dimensions to this blog. First and foremost, is this section, the journal... but also, I hope to compile some funky work related to beauty and truth and love and ...
oh, wait, wrong site... I do hope to get some information posted about what I do, who I am, what I study and am passionate about. The tarot, reiki, feng shui, astrology and the i ching, psychology and philosophy all come up often. I have some great ideas- but I would ask that when you're reading the ideas here you don't scam them and use them without asking me first... just common courtesy. I'll have a site of my own up and running one of these days (yes, another one), but until then, tune in and read when you want to really truly know what's happening in my life, or are looking for messages from the universe.