righteous rant- 1/26/04

this is really self-righteous :) so only read this if you feel like going there-

I know i don't really express things very well right now, and that i can be overdramatic without meaning to be, because of how i feel and the rollercoaster i'm on.

I guess i'm just really stressed, i realized that i've been pushing to find out an answer about what i can do to fix this asap, because i haven't been able to/am not able to work at a normal job.... somedays it's enough to get to class- and i come home and sleep for 4 hours because i'm exhausted. Sitting here looking at the fact that I need to make money, or i'm going to be evicted from my apartment in the next month, the fact that i feel i have no control of that aspect of my life... and feeling really low, becasue i'm reminded of another time in my life when i was in school, was sick and took a job... made a choice to work which caused me to fail university... well, i guess you can understand how those things would make me a little irrational, on top of the fact that since i quit smoking i've been a mess regardless....

and to top it off becauseof reiki i feel that i should have answers to these problems... and don't. and maybe even feel a little that i've brought these things down on myself, and that i've created this for myself so shouldn't ask for help....

truth is, i'm really scared and very close to taking a fulltime counter job just becasue nothing has panned out... and i guess at this point that would be the best thing for me to do.

It's really scarey to think about it, perhaps its the realization that for me that counter job is suicide. It's a self destructive choice that I take which validates my low self esteem and difficulty in accepting blessings and gifts in my life. But what choice do I have I ask myself?

I send out requests... I think to myself I"m being clear, and I guess I'm being dramatic... because it only matters to me, and to me it is the most important thing in the world. The enlightenment center is defiantely an option but i'm not getting any interest at the moment... maybe i'm wrong... and it's not time for such a place yet.

Maybe we're not ready to be more than the sum of our parts, and i should abandon all of you to your lattes at starbucks and your starving children in detroit and your sars and your media fiasco.

Maybe the timing is wrong, and all of this experience that you're having is ok- you like the pain, you like the violence. It's another thought. I mean sheesh... a billion gurus out there are working independantly, and maybe that too is ok. Maybe having a community will take away the power of the individual teachers. Hell, why would I be willing to expand my universe... when this would make me one star in a billion, instead of the sun.

Maybe for a million other people it's ok to be there... but for myself each time i choose that life I choose to lose myself- too many demands on me, too many expectations and experiences of people waiting for me to do for them... it's a constant experience of people pushing me to get them what they want... and often at my own expense.