What is wrong with sitting still when the world is spinning around you? What is wrong with stopping to understand what is happening to you instead of simply experiencing? What is wrong with giving up what you've held clutched to your chest for so long, in order to embrace the world? What is the point of fighting something that is a part of myself? These feelings of helplessness, of fear and of emptiness are valid and an expression of something deeper that must be addressed.
Admitting my own loss, my own inability to move forward physically is a huge thing for me. I have believed for many years that it is not safe to express pain/anger/frustration, and I have protected myself from being vulnerable to others. In the past two years, that choice has led me nowhere but to numerous dead ends. Because I have been afraid of judgment, of having that pain used against me, of experiencing rejection for being "less" or "having problems" or "being too emotional".
In order to be true to myself, I must accept what has happened and find a way to let go and forgive- because what I want to do is run in a billion directions and fight and work hard and forget what I feel now. I cannot run from this, I cannot fight this; I can only release and allow myself to heal in that process.
If I do not do this now, when I am safe, when I am capable of using all of the schooling and resources given to me, then it will resurface- and the patterns will continue, and I will have to eventually give in to the process of transformation, perhaps in a place that is not safe, not ok, where I am really needed and when other people's selves are at stake. We are all different, we all have different ways of coping and healing and being. Your way and my way are very different. I trust and give my self and soul time, believe truly that there is a way. And I'm going to find it-
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