Not A Salesman 1/26/04

I have taken three flights of stairs, and 13 stitches in my nose trying to keep the facade of "work" up and running...

I don't want to sell you something that you don't really need. I dont' want to push consumerism down your throat...I don't want to be your enabler... I don't want to be your drug dealer. I don't want to be a user. I want to give you something that will help you grow in exchange for something that I need to live.

I don't want to take your abuse either... I just want to be me, to be able to express and live and do that which I love and am.

I want to be true to myself, my purpose, my goals and dreams and SOUL. And perhaps even more true right now, given how much i struggle with my own self image, and question my sanity and wonder if maybe there's no point to all of it and I'm just plain WRONG about what I believe and think and have been taught and know....

More true than anything else is the fact that I want to be true to love and that this struggle seperates me from love, even more than it seperates me from myself.

The thing is that as I'm writing this I think to myself "why in the world would you care or want to hear about the pain i experience?" What would this do for you? I know that really this is all just for me- because i can't keep hold on to things anymore or I'm going to end up in a ditch somewhere outside of space and time.