Exit Stance?

"The universe is an infinate sphere"
The center everywhere
the curcumfrance nowhere"
(excuse spelling)
From "I Heart Huckabees" the movie (go see it)

What are we made of? Light and shadows...
Interconnected energy,
do you see how we are all everything and at the same time
we are nothing?
Does it make sense that in being so interconnected, in being all things at once, in belonging to and being connected with everything and everyone else, we are absolutly meaningless because we encompass all meaning?

Do you ever ponder this idea that the infinity of your soul makes you meaningless? And does this understanding, this imagining, cause you despair? Cause you to think "Why bother? If it's all nothing, if I am nothing, then why live.... why believe in anything?" Do you ever sink into the black despair of night and want to stop because you don't know how to go forward without a larger purpose?

I did.

I sat and saw the infinity and my own impossilities. I questioned and cried at the unfairness of meaningless. I grieved the passage of that faith in the unseen forces beyond myself, I wept for the death of fate and time and purpose.

And then slowly, I began to realize that this meaninglessness, this infinity could set me free. Suddenly I began to understand that I could be anything- that I already was everything that I wanted to be.

And that helped a little. But it still wasn't quite enough. I couldn't simply let go of a lifetime of planning and belief and faith. I didin't want to.

Because I didn't know what it was that I wanted, hadn't grasped who I was, hadn't made a decision about my own self- and so got lost in the infinate. I saw my smallness, my meaninglessness, instead of my largeness, my incredible self.

And slowly, ever so gently, I began to see once again the force that runs through us all.... I realized that even if time was meaningless on one level, time was still passing. Even if I was everything, I still lived in an experience where forms could be picked up, cast shadows, weigh something.

It's not always easy to see both the infinate and the immediate at once. But it's definatly easier once you move through formlessness back into form.